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I mean, you never seemed like you wanted me to leave, but- it's still nice to hear.

[it's not letting him dodge answering questions, is what it is, even if netzach is capable of reading between the lines. mostly.

the one thing that he can't read is:]

...I dunno why it's such a big deal for you, though.

[something's up with yesod, when it comes to this sort of topic. in any other situation he'd think--

well. he's been so sure it wouldn't be that.]

[ That proves it — he was mistaken. If Netzach knew the truth in full, he would have his answer. How to explain it now, when it isn't such an obvious thing after all, poses new problems.

Glancing back down at Netzach's hand on his arm, Yesod shakes his head a second time, briefly. ]

I do not want you to leave.

[ It is a relief to allow himself this admission, at least, bolstered by the evidence that Netzach has presented to refute his concerns. They could leave it at that, something untangled at last, to an extent. ]

...You still find it strange, in other words?

It's not so weird to stay here.

[it's more comfortable than he thought it would be. he thinks about waking up on the other side of the bed, on yesod's pillow, the plush creature that had sat between them tucked into his arms-- it wasn't uncomfortable at all. he could do that on more mornings.]

Yesod-

[what else would it be, is the thing-- that's the question now. netzach had assumed it wasn't a possibility, but if he can't think of anything else driving yesod's odd behavior...]

...You don't want me to leave. That's one. What other wants did you think were clear?

[ Yesod finds himself unwilling to draw back further — it would disturb the placement of Netzach's hand. Close behind that thought, yet another to join a contemptible array, displeasure for it follows. Not only would Netzach learn the reason for "such a big deal," if he knew every detail of the truth, but he would uncover things likely to make him reconsider feeling comparatively more at ease here now.

It's difficult to imagine him free of any discomfort then. ]

...If they were anything but clear, I suppose that explains why your behavior hasn't changed.

[ He wishes that his hands weren't empty, but retrieving an ice pack, even only to keep it nearby, necessitates stepping away for some moments. ]

I am not certain that I can summarize them adequately.

C'mon, man, what do you think would make me change like that now...

[this is yesod, who's been with him in the library and l corp both. who knows the things they both have done. they've known the worst of each other, so what else could yesod possibly tell him that would spark that sort of shift?

... maybe he does have to consider it. even if he doesn't know what he has to offer someone like yesod, can't think of why he wouldn't want someone who suits him better--

the same is true of netzach, right? hasn't he found himself with feelings for someone that others probably wouldn't consider his type?]

Are you-- saying you want me to be more than just your roommate?

[ Netzach knows enough, then. He can discern the shadows of what has firmly taken root uninvited.

These questions now pin Yesod in place for an examination conducted in return, peeling aside every layer of his heart, baring all that it contains. Netzach does it gently, if nothing else, despite his discovery. Even so, Yesod's arm tenses beneath Netzach's palm. Yesod doesn't answer immediately, taken aback by his own reaction, braced anew for what he already knows.

It sends his thoughts into a flurry of considerations to constrain his reply.

If that were the most concise yet comprehensive summary to define and articulate the precise shape of everything impossible, he might confirm it in these words. As it is, "more than just your roommate" is still too vague, a nebulous concept without sufficient clarification — besides, he hasn't permitted himself to entertain wanting Netzach to accommodate any of his wants. Nothing justifies that, either. Moreover, it would be callous. There is no point in labeling these notions.

Perhaps it's comparable to a snake atop a sun-soaked rock. Here, they have had the still-novel warmth of new experiences, and Yesod's memories retain the impression left there by Netzach's insight on the other side of the years behind them, and the quiet comfort found in his company, and the foreign accomplishment felt upon witnessing a moment of unexpected joy. Less innocuous are remembered sensations, some connected persisting interest in more of the same.

Yesod's free hand comes up, unconsciously, forearm across his chest like a shield as his fingers dig into his shoulder. ]

...I have no intention of asking you to do anything else that you don't want to do, Netzach.

[ The most concise yet comprehensive way to summarize all of it might be simple, if it were an option, but I want you and everything that it encompasses would be absurd to voice, out of the question. Instead, here is an assurance that no matter what the outcome of this conversation may be, no part of it will encroach upon Netzach's freedom. ]

[the way his arm tenses gives him a little pause. wondering if that was too far to push, if it's too strange a thought for yesod to consider.

he waits, regardless, quiet in the silence that follows, and just-- exhales a soft sigh once yesod answers.]

I know you don't, but you can at least ask me things, you know? How do you know whether I want to do something or not? I keep saying I can just say no if that's the case...

[he has the agency for that, now. there's no need to avoid simply asking, and it's a direct enough question, so-- what, is he just covering for the fact that the answer is no?

after a moment:]

So can you. If you need to.

[he won't be offended by it, if so.]

[ In what world would Netzach be receptive to any of those other wants? He might not find them repulsive, but nothing indicates that confirming the conclusions he has drawn at length and in depth would meet with anything aside from puzzlement, and it's somehow easier said than done to accept the finality of this reality expressed aloud.

But Netzach's retort strikes Yesod as odd, too. It lacks relief, and no relief can be derived from it. Asking for impossible things would be pointless — if Netzach hasn't changed his mind about wanting to stay, that is enough. ]

What should I refuse? You haven't made any requests.

[ None, with the exception of that one night. Yesod wonders how much of it Netzach recalls. ]

I know. I'm just saying.

[just making it clear, in case.]

...that wasn't really an answer, man.

[which is the heart of the problem, currently: that whatever the answer is, yesod is dancing around it, for one reason or another.]

[ Don Quixote petting La Víbria de Tierra Temblorosa might have set an example to follow — then again, that isn't an option for Yesod. Nor will Netzach's shirt be subjected to this unrelenting tension anymore, since Yesod's own will bear the brunt of it while his fingers curl tighter into the fabric over his shoulder, as if he means to reach past it, and inside himself from there to tear out the source of his inexplicable, ridiculous trepidation.

Didn't Netzach himself deduce the answer? Making it clear that nothing would change to impose expectations on him became all the more important then. In it, there was an implicit confirmation.

It was unsatisfactory, Yesod admits, and so he contemplates a different approach, Netzach's wants in Netzach's own words placed in the foreground, not obfuscated by assumptions. ]

...What would your own answer be, in response to that type of request?

[-well.

if yesod won't be forthcoming with the truth, whatever it might be... then he will be. it's not like he'd be opposed to telling him anyway, so if he wants to know...

as yesod's fingers clutch tighter at the fabric of his shirt, netzach rests his hand on top of them.]

I'd say yes.

[ The gesture reminds Yesod of the park, those teas. First Netzach in the grass, unresponsive, then their tests. He remembers Netzach's lips pressed to the back of his hand, and his fingers unfurl a little, brushing against Netzach's in the process.

Today, his skin hasn't become a reflection of the past put behind them, or anything else out of place, but he suddenly feels as though he's exuding something unforgivably hopeful that must be contained. ]

...Why?

[ He manages to keep his voice even enough, though the conversation has taken another unexpected turn. ]

What do you mean, why? Because I'd want to.

[similar to the answer he gave kaveh, there's nothing in it to question or to think anything else of. he just-- would say yes because it was something he wanted. just like the way he'd kissed the back of his hand because he wanted to, offered him help sleeping because he wanted to.]

[ That answer should suffice like the rest. Elaborating on the exact reasoning behind it isn't needed — the most essential aspect of it has been established, the fact that it would be another choice made freely.

But why would Netzach want to go that far, purely out of consideration, the likeliest explanation? Why should he?

Yesod makes no move to withdraw his hand, though he turns his head slightly, chin tipped downward as he regards Netzach's fingers covering his own. ]

That is surprising... but cause for relief as well, in that case.

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