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[ Yesod's breath catches in his throat then; his fingertips curl into the fabric beneath them, against warm skin atop them. ]

...I only wish that they could have been prevented altogether, Netzach, but I realize that no one could have achieved that.

[ He'd lowered his guard as well, all these months. He'd believed in the positive aspects of this city, despite the circumstances. ]

No... I'll admit that I also wish that I had been there. From beginning to end, both times.

...I know. I'm sorry.

[netzach exhales a slow breath, shaking his head. it's been his turn to feel guilt over it all, seeing how it affected yesod-- he knew that it would, he was well aware the first time, but that doesn't mean he feels good about it.]

I would have called you the second time, but I wasn't really... if Kaveh hadn't messaged anyone, I don't think it would've happened at all. Kinda out of it.

[he didn't have the presence of mind for it, after drawing things out with kromer even after his injury. by the time they found him-- he'd have been in real trouble, were they not nearby.]

But the diner was my fault. I didn't want you to have to see it.

[ Yesod listens, quiet. He did consider that Netzach was most likely in no condition to contact anyone, whether or not he wanted to, after his encounter with Kromer. Kaveh and Alhaitham were there at the right time by coincidence, a stroke of luck. Without their timely intervention, the shock and blood loss could have led to a very different outcome.

And before that... Yesod shakes his head in turn. ]

I understand that there were reasons to explain it, in each instance. I'm aware that the wish itself is unreasonable. Not only that, but even I didn't think to preempt the possibility that new districts or those exhibits could prove dangerous.

[ Hearing Netzach's own explanations, he supposes that Netzach must have weighed his options and concluded that one was marginally less upsetting to witness than the other. ]

...Even so, while I want to believe that there is no more uncertainty, I wish that at the very least, the risk of further harm could have been eliminated entirely.

I know. I do, too. But- it wasn't gonna go away entirely.

[his hold on yesod's hand tightens.]

...I was going to do it no matter what. I knew you would understand why. I didn't want to put you through-- watching it happen, knowing I wasn't going to let you stop me.

I thought that would hurt you more than finding out after.

[ Netzach's heart continues to beat beneath Yesod's palm. The rise and fall of Netzach's chest is steady; his breathing isn't labored. ]

Yes, I assumed that you had no other choice... because you needed to act quickly, and perhaps because neither you nor Kaveh wanted to endanger anyone else. I'm certain that if I had been there, you would have refused my assistance. I wish that weren't the case.

[ And Netzach is right — he would have understood his reasoning, but watching would have been unbearable. However, knowing next to nothing while Netzach was ill was no better.

Death may not be permanent here, but it would still leave marks. ]

But you're here... Truthfully, I'm upset with myself and with the so-called researchers behind this city. Not with you, Netzach.

...Kaveh wanted to call Alhaitham, and Alhaitham wanted him to wait for him to get there. I could've, theoretically.

[except for the fact that he couldn't. he couldn't expose yesod to it, couldn't make him watch, couldn't tell him at the time and then ask him not to come. to just wait for him to be back.]

It's not that I would've refused your help. I wouldn't put you at risk too. Not after everything.

[ At that, Yesod closes his eyes, cheek pressed against Netzach's uninjured shoulder. He focuses on the rhythm of Netzach's heartbeat. ]

...Precisely. In any possible scenario, you would have chosen to protect me, but not yourself.

[ Alhaitham seems accustomed to that, from Kaveh. For all that Yesod understands Netzach's thinking, appreciates hearing all of this from Netzach himself, he dislikes that Netzach was made to face that situation at all. ]

If you notice anything else, will you tell me? You haven't been sleeping well.

I would've, yeah.

[of course he would. he wants to live, but if he has to choose-- he'll pick yesod. he'll pick midnight. he'll pick kaveh.]

...and I'll tell you. I think it's just... it's been a lot, lately. They warned me about her, but I never thought she'd attack out of nowhere like that.

[ I would've. Netzach confirms it as though it's a given, the only acceptable course of action. It should never have become a choice to make — nothing should ever reach that point again.

For several moments, Yesod is silent. He concentrates on the familiar sound of Netzach's soft voice, on the weight of Netzach's hand wrapped around his own. ]

...There was no reason to expect that she would target you. Supposedly she will no longer be a threat... None of us would allow it. Nevertheless, I would prefer to ensure that she isn't given any opening to approach you from now on.

...I'll try not to give her more reasons. She knows I'm human now, but if she's pissed about Kaveh and Alhaitham trying to fight her, or something...

[then who knows. still-- he'll try.

probably.

this won't stop him from being petty at her on the network because she doesn't know where he lives.]

[ Yesod's hand tenses beneath Netzach's. If the possibility exists that Kromer would retaliate by making Netzach her target again, they should prepare for that. ]

Netzach...

[ There is something restless and uneasy that isn't alleviated. He wants to ask Netzach to let him be there next time, to let him make sure that there will be no next time — part of the problem is that they are all forced to use the resources provided to them, and that they allowed themselves to view this place as better than what they knew, tolerating its capacity to inflict harm upon them in exchange for that. It was careless while they remain constrained by its rules. Attempts to reduce their reliance on it are nothing but an illusion then.

They can minimize opportunities for any potential threat to catch them alone, at least.

He wants to ask Netzach whether he believes that putting no one but himself at risk is the right thing to do, and why he came to the conclusion that the fragments of an incomplete picture to piece together would be easier to bear. This still isn't the time for it.

He doesn't know how to address feeling unwell, as though these thoughts are squeezed around his heart and filling his lungs, weighing them down and cutting off all air. ]

Do you think that I'll do nothing myself?

-don't. Not when it's her.

[that answer is immediate, his grip on yesod's hand tighter.]

I wasn't in any shape to stop them from trying it, but Kaveh and Alhaitham didn't exactly look like that fight went well. She stabbed me almost before I realized anything was happening. Don't do anything, Yesod, promise me.

[the idea of yesod wanting to do anything on his behalf is reassuring, in its own way, but-- fuck. not like that. not if it meant him getting harmed in the process, and he would. netzach saw how she handled that sword up close and personal.]

[ The facts to accept, of course, are that he has little to offer in terms of protection without access to the Library, and if Alhaitham and Kaveh facing Kromer together were no match for her, he certainly can't hope to successfully stand between Netzach and all harm. Netzach implores him to do nothing yet again, and he understands why, and he wants to reassure him, but an invisible grip closing around his neck digs into his throat.

Instead of a promise, Yesod only utters a choked sound, at first. His fingers shift against Netzach's in a wordless plea of his own before he tries to rein it in. ]

...I can promise that I won't seek her out.

[ It would achieve nothing, he knows, nor does he want Netzach to worry. He would have wanted the same promise from Netzach as well. ]

But I intend to keep watch...

[ Taking precautions is feasible. ]

Let me stay with you, Netzach.

I'm never going to ask you to go, man.

[he can stay. always. netzach won't ever turn him away.]

I wouldn't ask you not to keep watch, or not to intervene. Just-- don't go and get yourself hurt because of me.

[there's already been so much. if they just continue that kind of cycle, where are they going to end it?

...it'd be like things were before.]

[ The truth is that keeping watch has been insufficient thus far; it doesn't feel like enough, even as they speak of it. Every now-predictable pattern in this place didn't prepare them for this month's incidents. It would be more practical to think of nothing but what exists before him in the present, tangible. He has the ability to tend to Netzach while he recovers — that is the priority.

Yesod takes a breath, in and out, and another. The questions are still there, gouged into his heart. What makes it more acceptable for Netzach to risk himself? What is the right thing to do? ]

...There is no need to worry that I'll act recklessly. No matter how angry I feel, I know that it would cause further problems, and I don't want you to suffer as a consequence of it... I simply mean to ensure that you won't be caught unawares by such situations again.

[he shifts, moving his hand to let it rest on yesod's head.]

I don't want you to just-- go get yourself killed going after her, but you should do what you feel like doing about things anyway. What you want to do.

[the talk with alhaitham is-- helping. it's helping, he thinks, at least to try to sort things out further.]

I'm going to do what I feel like I have to do, like I did at the diner, so you shouldn't restrain yourself for me either.

[ What he wants to do... None of it will change these recent events, and of course confronting Kromer would accomplish nothing of use — it would make matters worse, exacerbating Netzach's unease instead of allaying it. It would fuel further conflict, perpetuating that cycle.

But there are things that Yesod wants to do, and things that he would have wanted to do. He splays his fingers against the fabric covering Netzach's chest, concealing Netzach's bandages. ]

Then I want to be there, Netzach. If you believe that watching you sacrifice yourself would inflict more pain on me than learning of your decision much too late, let me seek other solutions with you first... and if there are none, I want to join you in your plans.

[ That isn't the same as being consigned to the role of a spectator. And one question follows now: ]

Is there a difference between the value of your life and mine?

...okay. I won't leave you out of anything, next time.

[he says that first, lets it sit for a few moments. there most likely will be a next time, because netzach knows what this place has done so far, and he knows what he is willing to do in turn for those he loves.

he knows what he is willing to do for yesod.]

There's no difference in the value of a life. I know mine is worth as much as anyone else's.

[even if he has low self-esteem, even if he's not sure how much he can do-- he still believes that living, in itself, has value. it isn't that he thinks he doesn't deserve to live.]

I want to live, Yesod. I do. If I put myself at risk, I'm not doing it lightly. I'm doing it because I feel like it's the right thing to do.

[ The right thing to do, based on Netzach's feelings, not rational reasons. Yesod thinks of Alhaitham and Kaveh, of conflicting ideas of right and wrong, and of choices. He has a promise from Netzach now — he can only hope that it is a choice that Netzach himself wants to make as a result of their conversation, out of the belief that this is the right thing to do as well.

As much as he wants to prevent a next time, it's best to be prepared for its eventuality. The thought is somewhat less unbearable, if he isn't forced into restraints far away from it, blindfolded, to protect him from inevitable pain.

Yesod is quiet for some moments himself. Netzach's breathing remains even beneath his palm. ]

...I know.

[ Netzach didn't make his decision without considering the impact on everyone who would be affected by it. He must have felt that he needed to carry it out exactly as he did, having taken that into account.

Yesod wonders how much Giovanni noticed and knew, back then, and what Netzach remembers of that time. ]

None of our choices have been things done lightly. I will want to intervene to mitigate any future risks... I can't give you a promise that it won't hurt me, if you are harmed. However, that applies whether I am there with you at the time or I discover it later. I couldn't bear the latter while it was clear that I didn't know enough to be of help in any way, Netzach... but I didn't want to force you to tell me more against your will.

[ He won't do it now, either, despite his thoughts gravitating to the lack of any blood-monitoring equipment and the dread of an unknown threat, averting it fully unconfirmed. ]

...I would be satisfied with an equal share of the risks, if it comes to that.

I don't think it's gonna be easy to let you take on a share of every risk, but I'll... I'll try. If it happens again.

[he doesn't want to see yesod hurt by his choices, but being there to be aware of the hurt is yesod's choice, it sounds like. and as alhaitham explained...

well. netzach will let him make that choice. he'll follow through on it even if he thinks maybe yesod could be shielded, and where he can, he'll let him help.]

I couldn't have let you help at the diner. That kind of risk... it's still not mine to talk about in detail, but it was better kept to me and Kaveh. He managed to call Alhaitham over, but he didn't let him share in it either. It would've been exposing you to something I knew the full risk of and you didn't, when I couldn't have said too much.

[ That particular situation is complicated, that much is obvious. Netzach and Kaveh know the details in full, then, and Alhaitham knows enough. Alhaitham had resigned himself to accepting the compromise that Kaveh offered him, by the sound of it, because a painful argument repeated or nothing entrusted to him at all would have been worse. ]

...It isn't necessary to say more. Even this tells me enough to confirm my suspicions, in addition to the rest.

[ And he can't mask the pain of that, the knowledge that he is barred from taking action. His tone of voice betrays too much of it today. ]

It doesn't change my wish. You should be able to rely on me, Netzach. That said... I understand why Alhaitham chose to accept a compromise.

I do rely on you. I know it might not feel like it, after that, but... I knew I'd come back and you would be here. That whatever happened, I would come home to you after it.

[yesod makes himself reliable just by existing, sometimes. this place is a home in part because he is here; he's been a part of netzach's life in one way or another for years, and he has no intention of letting that change anytime soon.

his fingers thread into yesod's hair.]

Yesod-

[what he wants to say, he can only put one way, he thinks.]

I'm sorry.

[for all of it, for how he left yesod feeling in the aftermath.]

[ The apology also isn't necessary, in Yesod's view. Netzach's explanations have shed some light on the matter, and it's clear that he wanted to mitigate the harm he perceived in his own way. No matter what perspectives they might share with Kaveh and Alhaitham, they are still different people, shaped by their different experiences.

For a moment, Yesod lets himself pay closer attention to the sensation of Netzach's fingers in his hair.

It should be enough that Netzach can speak of coming home to him with that sort of conviction. That, too, is something to protect. ]

...You meant well, Netzach. I do understand your thinking.

[ Yesod adjusts his hand's placement, lifting it until his fingers brush against Netzach's cheek, his thumb near the corner of Netzach's mouth. ]

...I may be upset because I dislike that these events took place, but I am glad that you came home.

I am too.

[his head tilts into the fingers against his cheek, into the soft brush of them, with a soft little sigh.]

...I'm glad you're here.

[here, they can both live a little more freely. they have each other to lean on, they share the experiences both good and bad-- they've had the chance to become close in ways they might never have managed in the library.]

[ Another familiar, welcome movement. Netzach is here, safe. Netzach refers to it as coming home, and he did come home each time. He must feel safe here to feel glad for it. That means something, after everything.

What will ensure that nothing can ever threaten it?

Yesod keeps his hand where it is. It has become a little easier to breathe, but he won't grow careless. ]

...I want to tell you that as well.

[ His heart clenches with it, with the relief that Netzach is here, despite the fear of a still-nameless shadow, and his own powerlessness. ]

I wanted to welcome you home... and tell you that I love you.

[ It's an echo of firsts to remember — he wants to believe that they will retain what they've built here, defying this city like their own. ]

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