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[ Midnight hums in approval, then shifts closer. Call him crazy, but this is one of those conversations where it's nice to know other people are around. ]

I'd like that. You should draw whatever you want, though. Don't feel obligated to dig up the past for the sake of my curiosity, darling.

...I don't mind being able to talk about it. The other librarians-- they've been the only ones, for a while now.

[so the fact it's safe to share with midnight... that means something, to him.

but speaking of the other librarians:]

The stuff I said about Angela, though... don't blame too much on her. I was still-- kind of out of it. I haven't forgiven her for it, or for her making us kill visitors in the Library, but she never had any more of a choice than we did. She wasn't part of the original research to have any personal investment in it. What she did in the end...

She just wanted to live her own life. That place was all she knew.

[so it's... it's complicated. he understands her desires; it's just that they came at such a personal cost.

this is also going to be reversed soon but For Now he feels like he's been unfair to angela,]

[ Midnight hums. ]

Well... I won't, but I wouldn't have, anyway. Goes for you as well, and most people. I'm in the habit of seeing people as they are in the moment, not whatever they were in the past. Not even if the past was just a moment ago. What she needed to do to live, what you needed to do to get by. I can't say it does anything other than make me think that you're both quite human.

[ It's a part of being an escort. He hasn't judged anyone for these things in a long, long time. ]

So tell me about these sorts of things, all right? Whenever you need to. Even it feels like you're being difficult, or if it feels as though you can't justify why you did what you did. You're not there anymore. You're here with me.

[she is human now, isn't she...? he doesn't know the details yet, but-- surely it's a good thing. it's what she wanted.]

I will.

[you're here with me- there's something unexpectedly reassuring about it.

what he says brings other questions to mind, though, and while he isn't sure at first if he should ask...]

Hey, so... how do you see me, in the moment?

Right now? You're my darling, tired companion. You make me sleepy just looking at you, and do you know... It's hard enough to make me feel sleepy. Usually I just drop where I am.

[ Midnight hums. ]

The kind of comfort that comes from knowing that the person with me is also very comfortable... It makes me happy. The kind of happiness that's a very real, tangible thing. The sort comes from knowing that you can show parts of yourself, knowing that others can share the things in their heart with you in return. I think you're the type of person who can do that very easily, given a bit of trust. You've a very soft heart. I like that a lot.

Edited 2023-10-13 05:31 (UTC)

[that's a little more than what he expected, and he's a little relieved midnight can't see his face-- though he does wonder if he feels the way it heats up.]

A soft heart, huh...

I think I like the sound of that.

[of coming out of a place like the city, and remaining soft in some way.]

It's easy to be comfortable like that, with you.

[ Hey, if Midnight's good at anything, it's making a speech on the fly. And to be honest, he thinks about his friends a lot, so he had quite a bit to work with.

(He does feel that heat, but they're under a bunch of covers, so he doesn't think much of it, really.) ]

Well, thank you. That was my job for a couple decades, you know. It's nice to know I haven't lost my touch.

[ Midnight readjusts comfortably. It's nice to have conversations like this, quiet before-bed chats. He'll have to get up to wash up for bed properly at some point, but he's having an excellent time at the moment. ]

It's hard to maintain a soft heart. They can look rather tough from the outside... I've seen my share that give in to the wear of time, a hard life. That you still have yours after all this time...

[ Midnight shakes his head. ]

You're really someone extraordinary, you know. Even if these aren't the most ideal circumstances, I'm glad I met you.

...there shouldn't be anything extraordinary about me, though. If anything-- I just think the fact it sticks out that much means our home's not the only one that could use help.

[he just wants to live, and wants other to be able to live their lives in turn; he does get it, though. caring about others isn't such a common thing in the city. that's exactly why it needs to change.]

Besides, I don't think your heart seems that different to me.

[he's always seemed like he cares, too. nothing is ever foolproof, but netzach likes to think he's a decent judge of these things, and midnight's actions haven't spoken to him of anything different. even avoiding kaveh-- it sounded like he had his reasons.]

There's certainly a difference between what should be and what is. I want things to work out for the best, generally, but when it comes to the reality of a situation...

[ Midnight realizes, a bit belatedly, that this is a rather disillusioned take, especially coming out of him... but it's not as though anyone here's to castigate him for it. And he doesn't mean it in a jaded sense. Not really. ]

I think it's why I like talking to other people. It makes me believe, more often than not, that people have the potential to be kinder, more thoughtful, more influential than I'll ever be.

[ In ways that might, someday, make up for all of the bad I've put into the world, is what he'd like to add... But this conversation isn't about his own past. Not really. And other people aren't responsible for his own atonement. He knows all of this. ]

Perhaps that's why I enjoy books so much. I'm not particularly creative, so being able to see versions of the world beyond my ability to create, that I can't touch or influence... I find that comforting. Things happen in books, and I'm not responsible for any of it.

[ He can let go of responsibility for a bit. Something that he, in spite of his image, finds very difficult to do. ]

...mm. You can just... experience something, and there's nothing you have to do except for that. I get the appeal.

[he found his escape in other ways, but that's a common thing people say about reading, isn't it?

netzach idly runs his fingers through midnight's hair, meanwhile, for something to do with them.]

There's a lot of potential like that in people here, I think. It keeps taking me by surprise how much they care, when they don't have a reason to... how kind they can be, even if they insist they aren't.

[ Speaking of experiencing things he doesn't have to take responsibility for... He stays perfectly still while he feels Netzach's hands in his hair for a bit, but he eventually cracks, pressing into his hands for a few passes. It makes that feral instinct kick up again. A good and lovely creature. His all his so easy so good so soft so sweet his his— ]

I like that. Keep doing that, please.

[ As another fixer learned a month ago: when Midnight gets comfortable, he gets a touch bossy. ]

I get it... It's very hard to get the goodness in one's heart out. Because of one's life circumstances teaching one that those things are vulnerabilities, but also because it's very awkward to lay one's motivations on the table like that. The desire for acceptance versus the desire to be honest with oneself often conflict. "Will this person still like me, even if I'm this kind of person?"

[ Midnight laughs, closing his eyes. The fingers in his hair really do feel good. He's appreciating it in the moment. To do otherwise... well, it's why he doesn't like thinking. ]

It's why I do it as often as possible. Builds character. Teaches me to care a bit less about acceptance.

-yeah, sure.

[the bossiness isn't something he minds. he's repeating things done for him, more than anything, things he liked himself, so it's helpful to know how it's going over. that it's good.

netzach keeps it up, then, easily enough.]

... I'm hoping I get there. It didn't bother me much before, what people thought of me, but then once I got to know people here...

It'd be pretty rough, I think. If I were honest about what I've been, and done, and it pushed people like you or Kaveh away.

[it's hard not to desire acceptance as the person he can be now, but that person is still influenced so heavily by his past.]

[ It's Midnight's turn to react like a cat, all but purring as he continues to press his head to Netzach's hand whenever it makes contact. He'll have to remember this next time they're in a hugging situation. Netzach will have to have his hair down, though... Wonder if he would mind that? ]

Ooh... I suppose that's true. You've a very limited selection of people to work with. My usual advice in these situations would be not to worry about it all that much, that people like Kaveh and myself... Well, we're kind, even if Kaveh enjoys denying it, but that's not actually too special. It's the time you're spending on us that makes us special.

[ Midnight makes a soft noise. ]

There's a book I read once, don't know if you've a version of it in your Library... about a fairy prince, and a Vulpo — that is, a fox — and a rose. Do you know about it?

Edited (htmln't) 2023-10-13 08:41 (UTC)

I feel like you'd be special anyway, though...?

[he says, like it's just self-evident. they both are. they deserve to be.

the question takes a little thought, meanwhile, as he mentally runs through things he's read.]

We had a lot of stories, and Abnormalities that were from some of them, but... I don't think that one sounds familiar.

Well, I am very handsome and cool... but many people are.

[ He's very good, but good isn't special, as far as he's concerned. ]

I see... Well, this fairy prince goes on a lot of adventures, but the main purpose of his adventure is to return to a rose that he met back at the beginning of his journey, when he still was at home. You see, he fell in love with the rose, and thought that this rose was the only rose in the world...

[ And if this story sounds familiar, it's because it's a part of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's The Little Prince. It turns out that most classic Earth books do exist in Arknights canon! They're just a bit... different... the Terran version of the Wizard of Oz, for example, is, uh. Sad!

But the point Midnight's making, as he walks through the story, is this: the prince realizes during his journey that there are thousands of other roses, and he feels a bit silly that he thought that his rose was special. He then meets a fox, who at first opposed his friendship, but then decided, after explaining the pros of cons of "being tamed", decided to spend time with the prince, who tames him in the end. ]

... And the whole reason the fox opposed the idea in the first place was because he knew that he was just another one of a thousand foxes, but in the time they spent together, he became more than just a fox. He was the prince's fox. So when they parted later, never to see each other again, he would experience loneliness that no other fox would understand or share, and the prince would understand that that fox was special for reasons no one else would understand or share.

And that was how he came to understand that his rose was special: it's not because the rose was unique in any way. He simply spent the time watering her, and talking to her. The time with her was special, which in turn made her special.

[ Midnight sighs. It's a longer story, but he did make an effort to cut it down to the important bits. ]

People are like that for me. No one is particularly special, but through spending time with others, creating that part of me that cares for them and the very specific ways in which they differ from others... That's how they become unique.

People are like that, huh...

[he isn't sure if he disagrees a bit, or if they're just looking from slightly different angles. to netzach, they're all unique to begin with-- but you'd have to spend time with them to discover exactly how, so is midnight's perception of it really much different?

maybe not.

after a little quiet contemplation (isn't it sad for the fox and prince to have parted? but then, you can't always keep those you meet close to you...) netzach nods against him.]

So in the same way, now that you've spent time with me before and now... that makes you my vampire and me your... whatever I am now. Or at least it does, a little bit.

[being the way he is, it's definitely not an exclusive sort of thing. that's not really what he's trying to say.]

[ Midnight laughs. Of course he's not anyone's anything... or rather, the exclusivity of his company is individual only in the sense that no two relationships are exactly alike. He is everyone's. He is no one's. The freedom of belonging to oneself, honestly. ]

Well, I've several doctors with whom I have individual, vampire to doctor relationships. You could just be my person and it wouldn't be any less special to me. I chose you, after all.

[ Midnight hums. ]

That being said, I don't think I have an artist in my life. An architect, a magazine editor, a fan of comic books... all these things certainly, but no artists. [ ... Midnight pulls back, looking at Netzach very intently. ] You're my artist now. Tame me.

[ ... Which is just him quoting what the fox said in the story, but... It's probably not helping that he really means that. ]

[that intent look, along with his words... netzach is struck silent for a few moments as he meets his eyes, finding himself unable to look away.

(a brief urge strikes. but he doesn't follow it-- if nothing else, midnight was clear about contact with his blood, and it's his lip that was injured. he's not sure if telling himself that is just an excuse, or not.)

when he feels he can move again, he runs his fingers through midnight's hair once more, the motion deliberate as he answers:]

Aren't I already...?

[i don't have it as an icon but i do want you to know i immediately remembered this netzach face writing this so you're welcome.]

[ jfc does he have a license for that face that is lethal

Which is to say that if Midnight thought he was having feral vampire thoughts before, they are back with a vengeance, to the point where he just doesn't allow them in. Or rather, he does what he's always practiced: he blinks slowly, breathes slowly, sighs, allows the urge to pass through him, through his chest and arms and legs, diffusing until that painful ache sinks into his flesh and just... settles.

He isn't hungry. He reminds himself of that. He just wants Netzach, and that's fine. Completely human.

He pulls Netzach back in until their foreheads touch, breathing in the scent of sheets and skin and the slight tang of alcohol until everything levels out again. (He also is conscious of his split lip. More reason to hold back.) Then he laughs a little under his breath. ]

Well... Yes. I suppose this is my way of asking you to spend time with me. But you already do that, don't you? Bit silly of me to ask for more.

...nah. I don't think it's silly to ask for what you want, man.

[he shrugs slightly, content to let his head rest against midnight's, to remain close here and breathe him in. it feels, just a little bit, like something is missing from that answer-- or there's something he isn't quite reading into it? one of the two. he can't be sure, but the feeling is there regardless, nudging lightly at him in the back of his mind. like he said-- netzach already gives him time.]

Think I'd like to see you more too, but- is that it?

[ Asking for what he wants, certainly. Asking for what he needs... Well. He's in the habit of getting those things himself. He's not sure if asking for those things will ever stop feeling rather useless... Even though he knows he needs to try.

Midnight's reminded of Netzach's question about his voice, how they got here in the first place. The languid quiet of his thoughts. Unsure of the signs, unsure of his course. Midnight has been quite sure of these sorts of things for as long as he can remember. The only problems had ever been management, context. Is that it? Midnight knows it isn't. He's simply accustomed to waiting for others to catch up. (Sometimes they never do. This, too, is something Midnight understands.)

Midnight waits for a moment before saying anything. ]

I'm content, love. If there's ought else... I think I'd be happy with that too. You only need ask.

Alright.

[he nods slightly against him, taking that answer without pressing. either it's honest or it's what he's comfortable with saying, and in either case, netzach is perfectly fine with that.

winding a lock of midnight's hair around his fingers, he adds:]

...you really don't have to give up your bed after this either. This is nice.

[ Midnight adjusts again, moving up and over until his face is hovering at Netzach's crown, nose nestled in the soft fall of green hair. He's not actively smelling Netzach, per se, but a vampire's sense of smell is very keen, so he picks up little scents without thinking about it, cataloguing them and storing them away. The salt, the alcohol, the oil, the soap. If he had his full ability, he'd be able to smell him half a mile away, but right now... vampires simply enjoy scent. Midnight is a pretty bad vampire in a lot of ways, but not this one.

He feels the tug in his hair. When my lip is healed. When Netzach can ask more clearly, or once I can follow with what I want. Once everything is perfectly clear. ]

You're welcome to it. Even when I'm not around, now that I think about it. I do wake up quite a bit earlier than you do.

[it really is nice, to be held like this. as a machine, it wasn't possible. as a librarian... well, it just wasn't something any of them did. but he remembers how sometimes, he would wake up being carried from one floor to another; from chesed's back to his own, after he passed out drunk on his sofa. from gebura's, after he drifted off while she and roland smoked. he remembers it was comfortable.

(he wonders if yesod would feel the same way. if maybe he could use the reminder of what it's like, to be human and to be given this.)]

I dunno how you get up that early all the time... you know the stories say you guys are creatures of the night, right?

[of Course he has a thing for a vampire who likes getting up in the morning and not one that sleeps all day of Course he does]

[ Yesod certainly needs something. Midnight will eventually put his finger on it, possibly in the thread where Yesod's trying not to lose his mind at him outside of the greenhouse, but that is a later revelation. Right now, Midnight laughs, because for once, that is a question he's quite familiar with at home as well. ]

The urban legends, right. I don't suppose that the stories you have about vampires in your city have all of the standard components? The coffins, the stakes, the garlic, and so on?

[ Well, Netzach's seen him out and about during the day enough to know that sunlight is hardly a harmful factor in Midnight's day to day life, at least. ]

Edited 2023-10-14 08:56 (UTC)

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