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( ... )

You could say I acted out due to grief.

( well, isn't that the barebones of it? )

Grief over what...?

( she'd rather roland come out with it himself, especially to his roommate— if she was made to bear her crimes, then he should, too.

that's a little vindictive. maybe not all of her hurt feelings have disappeared with their promise to start again. )

My naivete. I never thought I was a trusting sort, and yet I thought absolutely nothing of the circumstances in which certain people made their way into my library... ( a small sigh. ) Or perhaps I simply thought I couldn't be killed.

( though that's naive, too. )

...Regardless, I was betrayed. I felt all sorts of things I had only felt in passing before—fear, hurt, grief, mortality. To ensure my safety, I took care of the problem and then, to make certain it wouldn't happen with anyone else, I did the same thing to you lot. ( ... ) I didn't trust you.

( and in her avoidance she knows she betrays she still doesn't, not entirely. )

[made their way in-?

....well. that's-- it's something to think about later. that isn't the topic at hand, he'll figure it out on his own time or he won't.]

So you got scared, and you lashed out-- 'cause you knew we probably didn't entirely trust you either.

[he still can't say they do, really. individual librarians might. as a whole, though, in the time he's from?

netzach doesn't. he may think she has the capacity to change, and may hope this will work out in the end, but he never wanted to agree to her deal in the first place. she hasn't quite gotten his trust.]

Because if someone else could betray you, why wouldn't people who you assumed had every reason to... right?

...Exactly.

( it isn't as if they'd become buddy-buddy back there. their relationships here were at least lukewarm before... everything happened. she isn't sure where they stand now, but at least they, probably, can't get any worse. )

You were unfortunately already taken care of when I told them this, but— I should've just... never made that deal with you lot in the first place. I should have done it all on my own, but I didn't. ( why? why, why, why... ) I don't think I wanted to be alone anymore, though.

( ... )

Even if it was you lot, even if none of you liked me and I, you, at least I had company.

( and now she doesn't want to go back because there is nothing but loneliness waiting for her. simple. )

Company you never got to have before, when you were running the facility. Even if you were still in a similar position over us... it'd be a little different. And you couldn't figure out how to be human all on your own, whether you were thinking about that or not.

[and, though none of them knew it, she needed their help in other ways. their experience in dealing with their flaws, in handling her when she resonated with the library in the way that she did.]

If you didn't keep us, maybe you never would've gotten pushed into the conversations you did. You probably couldn't have handled your feelings resonating with the Library on your own... but maybe it never would've even happened, and you never would have had to confront anything.

( would that have been better or worse? she would've only had roland, probably, considering how he got in and why. her death would've been quicker, no time for chitchat. angela is quiet, letting netzach's words settle between them, and finally chuckles slightly. )

And I would be a worse person for it. ( what understanding she has now, the reflection on her flaws she's had— the fact there are people who know how she suffered and have confronted her on it, told her she doesn't have to hold onto it, that she doesn't have to throw everything including herself away to achieve what she wants... even if she did, in that grieving, betrayed moment, the words are still there. they've still been spoken, and she thinks about them. she does. ) I'll say this only once, here. Don't go repeating it.

( like he did his birthday wishes. it still takes her a moment—spoken appreciation is still something she's learning to express, even if it embarrasses her to do it. )

Thank you, Netzach. ( okay, there. ) I'll make certain to thank the others as well.

( ...that was a little easier since they aren't face to face. maybe she can try appreciation exposure therapy by doing it over a call. )

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