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[ Midnight looks at Netzach, eyes lowered in thought. Thinking, right? Weird. (Netzach probably has picked up by now that he spends a lot of time out, and when he gets back, he's pretty happy to just listen to Netzach until he drops off. People tend to distract him from his thoughts. Midnight likes people.) ]

I don't want anything to be difficult for you, especially on my account. [ But he takes in a breath, lets it out in a sigh. ] Will you worry less for me if you do this?

...yeah. Yeah, I would.

[it's something that he can do. a way that he can help.]

I'd at least know I did what I could for you.

You already do so much, darling. Just by being around.

[ Midnght looks Netzach in the eye and says this completely without irony, without laughing, without even smiling. The kind of sincerity that might be easy to mistake for a lie, if only because he seems like the type of person to say these sorts of things for the drama of it. ]

I want you to know that you can always say no. That I'll always have other plans.

[ Midnight breathes out. Oh, it is bothersome to grow up. ]

I've learned. I have. I shouldn't like to let it get to this point again. Not when you're being so generous.

Midnight...

[it might be a little hard to read that tone. soft, as always, but equally serious in response to that sincerity.

after a second, he reaches up to gently tug at a lock of his hair.]

What I'm saying is, I care about how you're doing, so just let me help.

[what he's saying is: i care about you, but that feels-- almost too direct.]

[ One may assume that Netzach's said something wrong, what with the way Midnight freezes, eyes going a bit round and hand going perfectly still. He needs a second to look at his hand, then look at Netzach, with his hair loose and that careless honesty, to realize that he's reacted like he has something to be afraid of.

Which is patently ridiculous, of course. Midnight lowers his eyes for a moment, breathes until the sick, tight feeling of being watched goes away, until it's just the fact: he's being cared for, and that's fine. He knows that. He knows there's nothing wrong with being cared for. That the nervousness...

Well. He's had a long life filled with people. Netzach's had a longer life with no one. It's best to try not to give off the wrong signals.

So what he does is reach up, take Netzach's hand, and sandwich it between his own, fingers lacing comfortably where they fall. He breathes for another moment. ]

Thank you. [ ... ] I am making this a bit difficult, aren't I?

I'm used to difficult. You've met my coworkers here-- hell, you've met me.

[he can be difficult to deal with in his own way; he's aware enough of that.

that reaction doesn't go unnoticed, though, with the way he freezes, the look on his face. netzach lets his hand be taken, lets midnight hold it and laces their fingers together easily, but he still asks:]

...you good? I can still let you have some space, if you need me to.

[just in case.]

[ Several, several answers fall through his head. Actually, yes, I think I need some time alone. No, silly, why would I kick someone so cute and sweet out of my bed? Stay here and keep your eyes shut; I can't bear to be seen right now, but I don't want you to go.

He shuts his head and shakes his head firmly, both in answer to Netzach's question and to dispel that train of thought, which he knows will simply get more paradoxical and pathetic. No more. Not while Netzach's here. ]

I think... I want you here. [ ... Midnight laughs, somewhat resigned. ] I know for certain, after all of that, I won't be able to sleep. Could use a bit of a chat.

[ There. Much better than asking for help. It's a suggestion for an equally beneficial activity, which definitely doesn't count as the same thing. Certainly. ]

...'kay. I'll stay, then.

[in a way, the phrasing makes it easier to believe he's honest. if he said it with no hesitation, no i think, he could still question whether he's just saying things.

he's not exactly about to pass out himself, but he still yawns quietly when he stretches out, catlike, and tucks himself back into place. netzach can't see his face from here, but that's okay.]

About anything specific, or you just want to pick something?

[ Netzach's biiiig stretch does not go unnoticed, and Midnight is struck by the urge to be — well, what is this word? It's cute aggression, certainly, but the type vampires usually have to keep in check, seeing as how he doesn't actually want to bite Netzach's head off. So this silence is more thinking, certainly, but it's also a reminder not to do anything crazy, just absolutely deranged, like take Netzach and find a cave, dark and very deep down, and store him there and never allow a chance for any other vampires to even look at him—

Predator instincts are a trip, man! ]

If I may ask... are you some sort of plant? Vegetation of some kind?

[ ... Well, Midnight's been meaning to ask about the nature of his tea transformation for a while, and this seems like the silliest and the least intrusive way to go about it. Gentle. And Midnight has been wondering about it... ]

[he lets that silence pass comfortably, blissfully unaware of the Moment midnight is having as he gets all settled-- and at first, he answers that question with an amused little hum.]

Maybe I'm kinda like one... just in the sense that I like laying around in the sun, though. I'm not a plant.

[at least he's explained part of this already, so that makes this easier.]

You know how I said I was a machine, for a while? The facility we worked in... it was energy production, but we were extracting energy from what we called abnormalities. Beings that were extracted from humans to begin with. So the whole facility was sort of... we had suppressive measures in place, but the kind of work we were doing and the way energy was extracted made things unstable. We'd have other abnormalities just manifest in the halls, sometimes, ones we didn't create.

... I know that all sounds unrelated, but it's... background for how that happened. The facility was its own kind of experiment. It was designed to break us. And when it eventually did, and we melted down, it... manifested like that. Changed us, and made something a little more organic out of our forms.

[it wasn't a reflection of his physical self, of him being some kind of plant. it was a manifestation of his emotions at his lowest, something that grew and burst forth from that shell, taking over.]

We went back to our usual shapes after the manager dealt with it. Or at least what our usual shapes were at the time.

[ Midnight continues to hold onto Netzach's hand as he talks, squeezing it gently as the story goes on. Years and years of disaster and death for a half-realized dream to be stolen from under him. He's lived a rather mundane life in comparison. Most do. He wonders what it's like to be so isolated in one's experiences... Midnight's been through the mill, but he's hardly the first murderer in history. The first runaway, the first callboy. This is something that, in all the annals of history, very few people can claim to have gone through at all. ]

This was back when you believed you were an AI, correct? Before the library. [ So the usual shape had to be something different... ]

[they had each other afterward, at least. there's a lot to be said for bonding through shared trauma.]

Yeah. We weren't... it's technically illegal for AIs to look like humans, so we were pretty different. I can probably draw it later.

[when he's not busy being Comfy, he will show midnight what the netzach box era looked like...]

[ Midnight hums in approval, then shifts closer. Call him crazy, but this is one of those conversations where it's nice to know other people are around. ]

I'd like that. You should draw whatever you want, though. Don't feel obligated to dig up the past for the sake of my curiosity, darling.

...I don't mind being able to talk about it. The other librarians-- they've been the only ones, for a while now.

[so the fact it's safe to share with midnight... that means something, to him.

but speaking of the other librarians:]

The stuff I said about Angela, though... don't blame too much on her. I was still-- kind of out of it. I haven't forgiven her for it, or for her making us kill visitors in the Library, but she never had any more of a choice than we did. She wasn't part of the original research to have any personal investment in it. What she did in the end...

She just wanted to live her own life. That place was all she knew.

[so it's... it's complicated. he understands her desires; it's just that they came at such a personal cost.

this is also going to be reversed soon but For Now he feels like he's been unfair to angela,]

[ Midnight hums. ]

Well... I won't, but I wouldn't have, anyway. Goes for you as well, and most people. I'm in the habit of seeing people as they are in the moment, not whatever they were in the past. Not even if the past was just a moment ago. What she needed to do to live, what you needed to do to get by. I can't say it does anything other than make me think that you're both quite human.

[ It's a part of being an escort. He hasn't judged anyone for these things in a long, long time. ]

So tell me about these sorts of things, all right? Whenever you need to. Even it feels like you're being difficult, or if it feels as though you can't justify why you did what you did. You're not there anymore. You're here with me.

[she is human now, isn't she...? he doesn't know the details yet, but-- surely it's a good thing. it's what she wanted.]

I will.

[you're here with me- there's something unexpectedly reassuring about it.

what he says brings other questions to mind, though, and while he isn't sure at first if he should ask...]

Hey, so... how do you see me, in the moment?

Right now? You're my darling, tired companion. You make me sleepy just looking at you, and do you know... It's hard enough to make me feel sleepy. Usually I just drop where I am.

[ Midnight hums. ]

The kind of comfort that comes from knowing that the person with me is also very comfortable... It makes me happy. The kind of happiness that's a very real, tangible thing. The sort comes from knowing that you can show parts of yourself, knowing that others can share the things in their heart with you in return. I think you're the type of person who can do that very easily, given a bit of trust. You've a very soft heart. I like that a lot.

Edited 2023-10-13 05:31 (UTC)

[that's a little more than what he expected, and he's a little relieved midnight can't see his face-- though he does wonder if he feels the way it heats up.]

A soft heart, huh...

I think I like the sound of that.

[of coming out of a place like the city, and remaining soft in some way.]

It's easy to be comfortable like that, with you.

[ Hey, if Midnight's good at anything, it's making a speech on the fly. And to be honest, he thinks about his friends a lot, so he had quite a bit to work with.

(He does feel that heat, but they're under a bunch of covers, so he doesn't think much of it, really.) ]

Well, thank you. That was my job for a couple decades, you know. It's nice to know I haven't lost my touch.

[ Midnight readjusts comfortably. It's nice to have conversations like this, quiet before-bed chats. He'll have to get up to wash up for bed properly at some point, but he's having an excellent time at the moment. ]

It's hard to maintain a soft heart. They can look rather tough from the outside... I've seen my share that give in to the wear of time, a hard life. That you still have yours after all this time...

[ Midnight shakes his head. ]

You're really someone extraordinary, you know. Even if these aren't the most ideal circumstances, I'm glad I met you.

...there shouldn't be anything extraordinary about me, though. If anything-- I just think the fact it sticks out that much means our home's not the only one that could use help.

[he just wants to live, and wants other to be able to live their lives in turn; he does get it, though. caring about others isn't such a common thing in the city. that's exactly why it needs to change.]

Besides, I don't think your heart seems that different to me.

[he's always seemed like he cares, too. nothing is ever foolproof, but netzach likes to think he's a decent judge of these things, and midnight's actions haven't spoken to him of anything different. even avoiding kaveh-- it sounded like he had his reasons.]

There's certainly a difference between what should be and what is. I want things to work out for the best, generally, but when it comes to the reality of a situation...

[ Midnight realizes, a bit belatedly, that this is a rather disillusioned take, especially coming out of him... but it's not as though anyone here's to castigate him for it. And he doesn't mean it in a jaded sense. Not really. ]

I think it's why I like talking to other people. It makes me believe, more often than not, that people have the potential to be kinder, more thoughtful, more influential than I'll ever be.

[ In ways that might, someday, make up for all of the bad I've put into the world, is what he'd like to add... But this conversation isn't about his own past. Not really. And other people aren't responsible for his own atonement. He knows all of this. ]

Perhaps that's why I enjoy books so much. I'm not particularly creative, so being able to see versions of the world beyond my ability to create, that I can't touch or influence... I find that comforting. Things happen in books, and I'm not responsible for any of it.

[ He can let go of responsibility for a bit. Something that he, in spite of his image, finds very difficult to do. ]

...mm. You can just... experience something, and there's nothing you have to do except for that. I get the appeal.

[he found his escape in other ways, but that's a common thing people say about reading, isn't it?

netzach idly runs his fingers through midnight's hair, meanwhile, for something to do with them.]

There's a lot of potential like that in people here, I think. It keeps taking me by surprise how much they care, when they don't have a reason to... how kind they can be, even if they insist they aren't.

[ Speaking of experiencing things he doesn't have to take responsibility for... He stays perfectly still while he feels Netzach's hands in his hair for a bit, but he eventually cracks, pressing into his hands for a few passes. It makes that feral instinct kick up again. A good and lovely creature. His all his so easy so good so soft so sweet his his— ]

I like that. Keep doing that, please.

[ As another fixer learned a month ago: when Midnight gets comfortable, he gets a touch bossy. ]

I get it... It's very hard to get the goodness in one's heart out. Because of one's life circumstances teaching one that those things are vulnerabilities, but also because it's very awkward to lay one's motivations on the table like that. The desire for acceptance versus the desire to be honest with oneself often conflict. "Will this person still like me, even if I'm this kind of person?"

[ Midnight laughs, closing his eyes. The fingers in his hair really do feel good. He's appreciating it in the moment. To do otherwise... well, it's why he doesn't like thinking. ]

It's why I do it as often as possible. Builds character. Teaches me to care a bit less about acceptance.

-yeah, sure.

[the bossiness isn't something he minds. he's repeating things done for him, more than anything, things he liked himself, so it's helpful to know how it's going over. that it's good.

netzach keeps it up, then, easily enough.]

... I'm hoping I get there. It didn't bother me much before, what people thought of me, but then once I got to know people here...

It'd be pretty rough, I think. If I were honest about what I've been, and done, and it pushed people like you or Kaveh away.

[it's hard not to desire acceptance as the person he can be now, but that person is still influenced so heavily by his past.]

[ It's Midnight's turn to react like a cat, all but purring as he continues to press his head to Netzach's hand whenever it makes contact. He'll have to remember this next time they're in a hugging situation. Netzach will have to have his hair down, though... Wonder if he would mind that? ]

Ooh... I suppose that's true. You've a very limited selection of people to work with. My usual advice in these situations would be not to worry about it all that much, that people like Kaveh and myself... Well, we're kind, even if Kaveh enjoys denying it, but that's not actually too special. It's the time you're spending on us that makes us special.

[ Midnight makes a soft noise. ]

There's a book I read once, don't know if you've a version of it in your Library... about a fairy prince, and a Vulpo — that is, a fox — and a rose. Do you know about it?

Edited (htmln't) 2023-10-13 08:41 (UTC)

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