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I'm sure you two had plenty of disagreement and strain. I believe you and Yesod know each other well after all these years, but it takes a lot to trust someone with yourself, especially in the face of uncertainty. Not just our situation but also being uncertain in yourselves.

Kaveh and I were lacking such trust up until very recently. A few months ago Kaveh wouldn't have considered calling me. Nor would he have let me to be there if he couldn't trust me not to interfere with the choice he wanted to make.

I still don't agree with it. Kaveh knows where we're opposed in our view of the world. But I made the choice to be there. I wanted to be there, but that was only possible so long as Kaveh trusted me to make the choice that I wanted to live with even if it seems like the more painful choice.

For me, being there with Kaveh means that I have the ability to do something for him if his own strength fails. Being there also means I have time with him, and I would rather have him despite the difficulties than not have him at all. I could have decided instead to wait and let him return to me. I didn't want that.

Do you trust Yesod to make that sort of choice based on what he himself wants?

yeah. i trust him. i just didn't want

i guess i already felt like i don't give him enough in return. the last thing i wanted to do was expose him to something i knew would hurt him to watch, for someone else's sake.

back when we were our first selves, i could handle things pretty well. when carmen died, when the others started dying too... i was somewhat fine. it was something i could deal with.

it wasn't like that for him.

this all makes me hypocritical, i know, for not liking when people do things to try to protect me from being hurt, but i still find myself wanting to do the same thing for yesod anyway

So long as you know you're being a hypocrite.

I believe you hold your own life at a higher value than Kaveh does, but you have a similar trait of wanting to give and perhaps not understanding how much you already do. When Kaveh hurts himself in the process, that has an effect on me regardless whether I'm there or I find out the details later. And I will find out, especially in this place. That's why the choice was never about whether I would let Kaveh or whether I would be hurt. The choice was about I wanted to face it.

It's ultimately your decision whether or not you'll adjust your behavior based upon the effect it has on Yesod. Kaveh will never change over me, and I've chosen him with full awareness of that. If you, also, would not change course to minimize harm to Yesod, then you have to trust that he understands that and has chosen you regardless. Verbally clarify it if you need to.

Perhaps he'll agree that he'd rather let you protect him after all, or perhaps supporting you in your struggle is more important. But shouldn't his opinion matter in that choice?

...guess you have a point.

i'll try asking it like that, then.

I think you'll find things start falling into place when you do. In a way, you also have been holding back.

[Just not a restraint in the same manner. Which--]

Speaking of holding back, perhaps you should lead by example so he can face it. Have you tried ravishing him?

hey wait where's this coming from

You were saying he's holding himself back. Yesod seems like the kind of person to prefer to mitigate risks wherever possible. As such, if you want him to loosen up with you, you might consider being risky in ways that aren't a threat to your life.

[well. please hold.

okay. anyway.]

well

we've tried a couple things, definitely

but maybe not in a risky way necessarily

Perhaps risky isn't the best word. I was thinking about a very unrestrained expression of your feelings.

i've been encouraging it from him, for sure, that's been going pretty well

i thought i was equally enthusiastic though? so i'm not sure how much this would actually help

Your usual disposition is extremely subdued. This isn't a bad thing. I appreciate your ability to maintain calm despite the situation. But since Yesod is also reserved, is it possible there's a struggle of momentum? How much more enthusiastic do you want things to be?

not sure you actually want me to answer that, man

but i also wouldn't say he's very reserved in bed

You don't have to give me specifics.

If you feel things are suitably enthusiastic in bed, what about other areas of your relationship? He's holding back with you in some way, and you're occupied with it, but where is it manifesting?

he holds back when it comes to how he feels about me

probably because of what the situation is like as a whole

i've kept trying to encourage him to just act on how he feels, and i don't know if it's actually been working or not. i'd like to think he gets it.

did you try any of those weird masks, before

Kaveh and I did swap masks for a time. I take it you and Yesod did as well?

we did, yeah.

so i know he's restraining himself, and that it aches to do

i told him i don't want him to be left feeling that way

Based on what you felt do you think he loves you the same or more intensely as you love him?

i don't think you can compare love like that.

Then it isn't a concern for you the possibility of mismatched feelings? You've probably never wondered before about your feelings being too strong for the recipient to accept.

not really, no, but this is also the first time the recipients have actually known about it

i'm used to it being mismatched. i know it's like that with me and kaveh. i don't think it's that way between me and yesod.

Edited 2024-01-23 05:44 (UTC)

That's not quite what I mean. When you confessed to Kaveh, were you concerned that he would be put off by them?

I'll use Kaveh and I as an example again. Part of the reason I didn't tell Kaveh for so long even after we began talking again is because I was certain that if Kaveh knew the extent of what I feel for him, he would be driven off.

Things between us are complicated for different reasons, but I can understand why someone less secure would similarly restrain themselves because they fear the consequences of being too forward or intense.

It comes back to trust. If there's nothing in regards to your physical intimacy that needs changing, then best to start with that choice we were talking about before.

i didn't think about him being put off at all. i just wanted him to know how much i cared about him. if he had been, i would have been okay with that.

i'll try it. i keep reminding him i like the intensity of his feelings, it just might not be enough on its own

Unfortunately, sometimes words themselves aren't enough to be understood, especially for someone who is too into their head about their own feelings.

[Kaveh.]

But Yesod is a reasonable man, so I'm sure you two will figure things out.

By the way, did Midnight say anything recently that suggested he thought he was in a relationship with Kaveh?

why would you think so

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Surprise 2/2

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