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[ kaveh nearly chokes on his next sip. he coughs; it rattles a little, the cough. the look he gives netzach is helpless. ]

I don't- well. No more than the average person.

You sure about that?

[it is Not an average amount.]

Netzach...

Yeah, Kaveh?

[ kaveh sighs. ]

Is this another instance of that fabled 'do as I say, not as I do'?

Might be.

[he takes another drink, leans in to steal another kiss.]

[ kaveh smiles into it. the warmth, the affection. netzach tastes a little like spring rain. ]

You're an exacting man, Netzach. I hardly have a defense against you.

You could probably make one if you wanted.

[he's smart. he knows his way around a debate, better than netzach does. so it's more that he decides not to mount that defense, isn't it?

that's up to kaveh, though. netzach's quiet for a moment, taking another drink.]

Kaveh, can I... I wanna ask you about something.

[ kaveh looks. ]

Anything, Netzach, for you. [ even if it pries his heart loose and sets kaveh aflame - anything. there are no defenses when the walls willingly open. ] What is it?

[he's buried it well enough that it takes the alcohol to make it to this topic. but--]

I said we talked it out at the gala, and that Midnight said I had to be prepared for him to tell me no about these things too, right? And that's okay. It is.

[just to be totally sure.]

He told me how he wants those things for her, too. For me, and you, and everyone. That as big as his heart is, he can only make one choice. That's why he'd have said no even if I'd thought about asking.

...I love that about him, Kaveh. I really do. The last thing I wanna do is pull him away from other people or from what he wants. [even if it weren't for him also seeing yesod, even if midnight were his only partner, he's always known he wouldn't be the only one for midnight.]

But I still feel like... sometimes when I think about that, I wish he'd said he'd have gone with me if I'd just asked. It's not that I'm jealous, just... I don't think I know what it is.

[ oh, kaveh thinks. he's going to have to bury midnight in the bottom of the ocean for this. the thought comes in a tipsy haze, because in no universe should netzach ever feel as if he is a calculated occurrence and not as natural as a breath, as rain. ]

You want him to look at you, and choose you, because you want him to choose that for himself. [ kaveh says, after a moment. ] You want to know that you are what he wants, without having to think of if Midnight is holding back because there is another ideal he is looking to. You want to look into his heart and know that you have been seen.

... yeah, I guess so. I kind of wanted to feel like he'd have decided on me.

[he knows how this is, though.]

I don't want to always come first. I'm not the only one who's important to him, and he's not the only one important to me either. And I think he worries about that, anyway, he's... he said a couple times he's worried about loving me well enough.

[it's not like he knows how he should be loved well, anyway, all of it is still such a new experience for him.]

[ 'well enough' netzach says. kaveh thinks - but who here knows what it means, to be loved well enough? by whose definition? netzach's, or midnight's? ]

Have you asked Midnight? What he thinks 'well enough' ought to mean, and if that definition of it matches how you would like to be loved. [ ... ] Have you asked him what he thinks will happen if he loves you the way he wishes to?

Oh.

[oh, right. he could have asked that-- it would've been a safe question, easier than bringing up something that risked sounding like netzach thought he wasn't.]

...no. I didn't think about it. I'm... still figuring out what being loved looks like at all, I guess.

[ the lancelet edge of kaveh's eyes soften. kaveh is not gentle by nature. with kaveh, it's always about comparison and scale. compare an avidyan spinocrocodile to a rishboland tiger and one may come out with the understanding that the tiger is both warmer and more gregarious. it's with a hand made gentle by will and love and the will to conform to that love that kaveh tucks another strand of hair behind netzach's ear. the back of his fingers skim the contour of his cheeks.

netzach is warm, and flushed pink, and deserves to be happy. ]

You don't have to answer this now, either, Netzach. But it's worth asking yourself this as well, as it always is: how do you want to love Midnight? How far do you wish to go for him? And how far will you not?

Because if you are uncertain, how is Midnight to be certain? Love is often said to be something you fall into. I disagree. The initial momentum may be a downward tip. But Netzach, love is something you build together. You will always build up.

Edited 2024-01-02 01:41 (UTC)

...I like the sound of it.

[he says, after mulling it all over for a moment. how does he want to love him, how far does he want to go...

he'd have to ask himself the same questions about yesod too.]

I think that's right, honestly. It wasn't... I was trying not to have feelings for him, you know? I knew he flirted with everyone. Didn't wanna mistake that for something else. Think that it made me special.

[and end up disappointed, on eventually remembering that: ah, yes, he's like that with everyone.]

But then there were things he said to me, and did for me, that-- made me think it might be something different after all.

[ that had been midnight with the chandelier in a darkened clothing store. kaveh knows it well, though kaveh also knows he wouldn't understand it, not from netzach's perspective. not from the perspective of a young man who had never been loved, not like this, not the way he had deserved. ]

He must have been like a waterfall for a man parched in the desert. [ says kaveh, with a small smile. ] Overwhemling, and unabashedly so. There's him.

[ that's him. ]

Do believe that he loves you? Not just because you are alive and Midnight loves those who are alive - but because it's you?

[kaveh isn't wrong. he'd had to decide to be careful so quickly, after meeting him-- overwhelming is a good word for midnight, in multiple ways.

that question, though, is one he doesn't think about long at all before he answers.]

Yeah. I do.

[he definitely believes it.]

When he says it-- I don't doubt him.

Good.

[ kaveh says it and means it, that singular word. good. ]

I believe that he loves you too. I believe his intention is to love you well. He's kinder than he thinks he is. So long as your faith in his love is unshakeable, you have a foundation upon which you can build what the two of you choose to design together.

I've always believed that just loving something or someone is not enough. It's what you do with that love that makes all the difference in this world.

Mm... I like to think we're doing okay with it so far. Yesod, too.

[they've been getting closer ever since this started, he thinks. it brings to mind, again, what kaveh just said about building something-- they had the foundation already in their history, and it's been solidifying further.]

I need to remember to ask Midnight about what you said, though. Figure out what his answers are.

[ yesod, too. kaveh looks.

and then, very carefully, while excavating that thought from where all the tipsy thoughts go to die: ]

So then... well, are the three of you?

Uh... not all three of us at once?

[give him a sec. he's processing how to describe it.]

Yesod's only interested in me, but he's been fine with me seeing Midnight. They're not involved with each other.

Oh.

[ kaveh has to think about this for a moment. ]

Well, is there a schedule?

For me to spend time with them...? Not really. I think it'd feel weird to be like... oh, I wanna go hang out at the host club, but it's Yesod's day.

Usually I just let whoever I was just staying with know if I'm switching for a night or two.

I see. [ well, kaveh thinks. so long as all three of them are comfortable, it must work well. much in the way of a three-legged duck striving to become a plane.

this is where kaveh realises that he is, in fact, more than a little tipsy. he is already beginning to draw the three-legged duck on a scrap piece of paper in front of him. the pen had come from the crow's nest of his hair. ]

All three of you are welcome at the studio anytime; I'm sure you know this. Though if Midnight proves to be a distraction, I am thinking of renovating a loft of a sorts for visitors. [ yesod is polite! yesod is fine. ] There's hardly enough time during the week. You ought to spend time with them and have it count.

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