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USERNAME: unsafety netzach library of ruina TEXT • AUDIO • VIDEO • ACTION • OVERFLOW

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[ kaveh suddenly realises he is too sober for this conversation. the bottle empties itself into his cup. he downs it. then, he says: ]

There is a difference between knowing you will suffer, and knowing that you deserve to suffer. That anything beyond living that suffering is beyond your reach and should be.

Midnight is the latter, Netzach. He is surviving, but what I want for him is to live.

[ like a scintillating starbust in motion, not a body already dead to frost. ]

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...he's been letting himself have some things, anyway. It's a start, right?

[that he isn't keeping more distance between himself and everyone else, even though he still keeps a degree of it. even though he wouldn't have told netzach more about oripathy had the museum not forced it. even without that-]

He gave me a key to his apartment. I already had a toothbrush there last month.

[he's been allowed into his life more, bit by bit. netzach just hopes that continues.]

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[ kaveh can imagine it. a single key, warm to the touch in the palm of a hand. two toothbrushes in an apartment.

... kaveh smiles. of course he does. it is tired, and weary, but it is a smile. ]

See? Like I said, a miracle. That's you.

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He still had to decide on it.

[making those offers-- that was up to midnight. it feels to him like at least some kind of proof.]

...but it really does feel like a miracle, sometimes.

[both to be loved and to be in love.]

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[ kaveh looks at netzach. he hadn't been wrong, he decides.

he lifts a single finger. kaveh taps it once, in front of netzach, a single, pried-picked-chewed fingertip against the wood of the bar. ]

That's my meaning. For the research to begin, for there to be something to research, the first step is to convince Midnight that it's worthwhile for him to live, rather than survive. That amelioration is worthwhile. That is he allowed it. That he is not an exception to a life worth living, no matter how much briefer it is than it ought to be.

If that doesn't happen, none of it will help him the way we want it to, Netzach.

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...so in the end, it's for the best that we can't even do it now, 'cause we're gonna have to do a lot of work before we could even start trying.

Nevermind Midnight letting us, would Alhaitham and Yesod let us go all in on experimenting anyway?

[he kind of feels like the answer is no. at least for yesod.]

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[ kaveh looks. alhaitham would be vocal about his opposition. but also, both of them know - he cannot stop kaveh once kaveh has decided on a course of action. nobody can.

kaveh smiles. ]

There is research that can be done even without additional subjects. If nothing else, I want to better understand it, what ways there are to mitigate suffering for a terminal patient. [ kaveh takes another draught from the bottle. the world is too-bright, too-quick. he blinks. ] ... don't lose hope, though, Netzach. Now that I've spoken of what's realistic, here is what is practical: gathering the equipment makes for an excellent argument on using it later. Believe me, it's easier to convince a town that they need a new trench dug if you've already the excavator sitting outside their doorstep.

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So we're gonna need to keep our eyes out for anything that'd help. If we do...

[his fingers tap idly on the bartop.]

We can just... spend some time figuring out what any equipment we can get our hands on is actually capable of.

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And if it's safe to use. This is where neither of us being biologists work against us. But I know an Amurta botanist who also happens to be an expert in animal physiology. We can start there.

[ kaveh looks at netzach. ] I worry for him. You do too.

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Yeah. Hard not to.

[his gaze drops to the bottle, brow furrowed. since when was this empty...]

I just want to know he's okay.

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He is, and isn't, I think. [ kaveh says. netzach looks at his bottle. kaveh looks too. and then, because he's kaveh, he reaches for a fresh one.

this, one, he uncorks with his teeth, before setting it into netzach's hands. ] Incorrible. That's what he is.

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[hah. netzach snorts, at that, taking a drink from the new bottle. thanks, kaveh.]

That's definitely one word for it. But I don't really mind much.

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Mm. Really. Is there anything you do mind, Netzach?

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Mmm... death. Throwing away others' lives. Controlling others. Plenty of things.

[another drink.]

When you talk down on yourself, too.

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[ kaveh nearly chokes on his next sip. he coughs; it rattles a little, the cough. the look he gives netzach is helpless. ]

I don't- well. No more than the average person.

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You sure about that?

[it is Not an average amount.]

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Netzach...

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Yeah, Kaveh?

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[ kaveh sighs. ]

Is this another instance of that fabled 'do as I say, not as I do'?

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Might be.

[he takes another drink, leans in to steal another kiss.]

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[ kaveh smiles into it. the warmth, the affection. netzach tastes a little like spring rain. ]

You're an exacting man, Netzach. I hardly have a defense against you.

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You could probably make one if you wanted.

[he's smart. he knows his way around a debate, better than netzach does. so it's more that he decides not to mount that defense, isn't it?

that's up to kaveh, though. netzach's quiet for a moment, taking another drink.]

Kaveh, can I... I wanna ask you about something.

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[ kaveh looks. ]

Anything, Netzach, for you. [ even if it pries his heart loose and sets kaveh aflame - anything. there are no defenses when the walls willingly open. ] What is it?

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[he's buried it well enough that it takes the alcohol to make it to this topic. but--]

I said we talked it out at the gala, and that Midnight said I had to be prepared for him to tell me no about these things too, right? And that's okay. It is.

[just to be totally sure.]

He told me how he wants those things for her, too. For me, and you, and everyone. That as big as his heart is, he can only make one choice. That's why he'd have said no even if I'd thought about asking.

...I love that about him, Kaveh. I really do. The last thing I wanna do is pull him away from other people or from what he wants. [even if it weren't for him also seeing yesod, even if midnight were his only partner, he's always known he wouldn't be the only one for midnight.]

But I still feel like... sometimes when I think about that, I wish he'd said he'd have gone with me if I'd just asked. It's not that I'm jealous, just... I don't think I know what it is.

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[ oh, kaveh thinks. he's going to have to bury midnight in the bottom of the ocean for this. the thought comes in a tipsy haze, because in no universe should netzach ever feel as if he is a calculated occurrence and not as natural as a breath, as rain. ]

You want him to look at you, and choose you, because you want him to choose that for himself. [ kaveh says, after a moment. ] You want to know that you are what he wants, without having to think of if Midnight is holding back because there is another ideal he is looking to. You want to look into his heart and know that you have been seen.