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USERNAME: unsafety netzach library of ruina TEXT • AUDIO • VIDEO • ACTION • OVERFLOW

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He won't agree to it. Said he'd make sure he died before he let me get too close, if he was bleeding enough for it to be a problem.

[he knows, though. of course he knows. it just doesn't stop him from feeling like he's got to do something.]

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[ kaveh remembers it, how oripathy felt. how the architect of that story had begged, near the end.

he closes his eyes. kaveh tips his head back, and downs the rest of his drink. it burns his throat; it is not enough. ]

... the nerve of that man. The absolute nerve of him - he's only saying so to protect you, Netzach. He doesn't want you to have what he has. That's why- [ kaveh cuts himself off. he reaches for another bottle. ] it links to what we were saying earlier. He doesn't think Yesod will love another person the way he loves you, yes, but that's not all he means. He means that he can love everyone as much as he needs to, but making room for him even in a third-person sort of capacity is an imposition that nobody has to make, and that makes me angry to think of it.

It's that Midnight exceptionalism that he believes in so strongly. He won't agree to it because he has already decided that he will suffer, and that is alright. It isn't.

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I know he's protecting me. He-- told me more about what things are like at home, when I asked about the Oripathy. How the world is.

[he's quiet for a few seconds, taking another pull from the bottle.]

Kaveh, I don't think we can argue with him that much about what he's decided. He is going to suffer. He knows he's gonna die and how it's gonna happen. That it's probably not gonna be curable before it kills him. I don't always like how that manifests, but I get where it's coming from. He's surviving.

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[ kaveh suddenly realises he is too sober for this conversation. the bottle empties itself into his cup. he downs it. then, he says: ]

There is a difference between knowing you will suffer, and knowing that you deserve to suffer. That anything beyond living that suffering is beyond your reach and should be.

Midnight is the latter, Netzach. He is surviving, but what I want for him is to live.

[ like a scintillating starbust in motion, not a body already dead to frost. ]

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...he's been letting himself have some things, anyway. It's a start, right?

[that he isn't keeping more distance between himself and everyone else, even though he still keeps a degree of it. even though he wouldn't have told netzach more about oripathy had the museum not forced it. even without that-]

He gave me a key to his apartment. I already had a toothbrush there last month.

[he's been allowed into his life more, bit by bit. netzach just hopes that continues.]

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[ kaveh can imagine it. a single key, warm to the touch in the palm of a hand. two toothbrushes in an apartment.

... kaveh smiles. of course he does. it is tired, and weary, but it is a smile. ]

See? Like I said, a miracle. That's you.

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He still had to decide on it.

[making those offers-- that was up to midnight. it feels to him like at least some kind of proof.]

...but it really does feel like a miracle, sometimes.

[both to be loved and to be in love.]

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[ kaveh looks at netzach. he hadn't been wrong, he decides.

he lifts a single finger. kaveh taps it once, in front of netzach, a single, pried-picked-chewed fingertip against the wood of the bar. ]

That's my meaning. For the research to begin, for there to be something to research, the first step is to convince Midnight that it's worthwhile for him to live, rather than survive. That amelioration is worthwhile. That is he allowed it. That he is not an exception to a life worth living, no matter how much briefer it is than it ought to be.

If that doesn't happen, none of it will help him the way we want it to, Netzach.

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...so in the end, it's for the best that we can't even do it now, 'cause we're gonna have to do a lot of work before we could even start trying.

Nevermind Midnight letting us, would Alhaitham and Yesod let us go all in on experimenting anyway?

[he kind of feels like the answer is no. at least for yesod.]

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[ kaveh looks. alhaitham would be vocal about his opposition. but also, both of them know - he cannot stop kaveh once kaveh has decided on a course of action. nobody can.

kaveh smiles. ]

There is research that can be done even without additional subjects. If nothing else, I want to better understand it, what ways there are to mitigate suffering for a terminal patient. [ kaveh takes another draught from the bottle. the world is too-bright, too-quick. he blinks. ] ... don't lose hope, though, Netzach. Now that I've spoken of what's realistic, here is what is practical: gathering the equipment makes for an excellent argument on using it later. Believe me, it's easier to convince a town that they need a new trench dug if you've already the excavator sitting outside their doorstep.

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So we're gonna need to keep our eyes out for anything that'd help. If we do...

[his fingers tap idly on the bartop.]

We can just... spend some time figuring out what any equipment we can get our hands on is actually capable of.

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And if it's safe to use. This is where neither of us being biologists work against us. But I know an Amurta botanist who also happens to be an expert in animal physiology. We can start there.

[ kaveh looks at netzach. ] I worry for him. You do too.

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Yeah. Hard not to.

[his gaze drops to the bottle, brow furrowed. since when was this empty...]

I just want to know he's okay.

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He is, and isn't, I think. [ kaveh says. netzach looks at his bottle. kaveh looks too. and then, because he's kaveh, he reaches for a fresh one.

this, one, he uncorks with his teeth, before setting it into netzach's hands. ] Incorrible. That's what he is.

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[hah. netzach snorts, at that, taking a drink from the new bottle. thanks, kaveh.]

That's definitely one word for it. But I don't really mind much.

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Mm. Really. Is there anything you do mind, Netzach?

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Mmm... death. Throwing away others' lives. Controlling others. Plenty of things.

[another drink.]

When you talk down on yourself, too.

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[ kaveh nearly chokes on his next sip. he coughs; it rattles a little, the cough. the look he gives netzach is helpless. ]

I don't- well. No more than the average person.

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You sure about that?

[it is Not an average amount.]

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Netzach...

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Yeah, Kaveh?

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[ kaveh sighs. ]

Is this another instance of that fabled 'do as I say, not as I do'?

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Might be.

[he takes another drink, leans in to steal another kiss.]

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[ kaveh smiles into it. the warmth, the affection. netzach tastes a little like spring rain. ]

You're an exacting man, Netzach. I hardly have a defense against you.

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You could probably make one if you wanted.

[he's smart. he knows his way around a debate, better than netzach does. so it's more that he decides not to mount that defense, isn't it?

that's up to kaveh, though. netzach's quiet for a moment, taking another drink.]

Kaveh, can I... I wanna ask you about something.