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Yeah, but I mean... there's no reason for it to have been different because of me. To treat me any differently than anybody else, if that's what he's like.

[that's just factual, isn't it?]

No, he wouldn't treat you differently. Alhaitham, to begin with, follows his own definition of 'fair'. He only ever treats people in one way, and there lies the problem.

But it wasn't a problem with you, because the way you reacted was you. Which means the conversation was likely smoother, or he found it comfortable, or, knowing him, he found it worthwhile. He doesn't always, with other people. You are familiar with epigenetics, correct? It's a little like that - there is something in you that is unchanging, but it manifests only when the environment is right. You were the right environment because it's you.

I was the right environment...

[hm. he thinks about that as he finishes drink number two; there's a faint flush to him, by now, but only faint. two drinks is barely hitting tipsy.]

...I guess I could agree with that. That it wasn't inherently anything special, but that it ended up meshing in just the right kind of way.

I'll get you to accept the special bit at some point. But for now - yes, that's the understanding behind it. You were the right person. That's a rare thing.

[ kaveh considers this for a moment. he takes another sip of his drink. ] But back to the matter at hand. Alhaitham isn't the sharing type, it's true, but I found it important to have it be done. He is the type of man who needs something of his own. Perhaps Yesod is too. That way, he doesn't have to wonder, what he has of you, and you don't have to worry about him wondering either.

The wondering is what taxes the heart, I think. The not knowing.

It is. I trust him to talk to me, but I know he wants me to be happy, so... I think my biggest worry is he'll stop being okay with it and think he can't say so. That it'd take too much away from me.

[a little sigh, slouching onto the countertop.]

I'll ask him what I could give him that'd be just his.

[ kaveh reaches with a hand. gently, he slips a loose lock of netzach's hair behind his ear. ]

Don't overthink it. You create for him the space for him to tell you these things, and you let him decide. If he does not say anything, then trust that it means he is happy. That is a form of trust, too, or so I've learned.

I do trust him. We've been through more than enough for that.

[it's just--

this is all new ground, for someone like him. he's been so far removed from having a normal life, normal relationships, that he's unfamiliar with things he supposes others probably just know.

his head tilts into the touch as kaveh brushes that lock of hair into place.]

...when you said you wanted to continue what you were doing-- what did you mean?

[ netzach tilts into the touch. he is a flower stem lilting towards the direction of a faraway sun. kaveh smiles. ]

The usual. Spending time with those that I've to care for. Showing them that love. [ and meeting them where they are at, kaveh thinks. he leans in and gives two kisses to netzach, one on the crown of his head, and one as a gentle brush against his lips. he imbues into the gesture all of his affection, all of his love. ] Like so.

-like that, huh.

[the warmth of that kiss is-- it's nice. more than it has any right to be, honestly, who let kaveh be like this? the affection in the gesture is palpable, the love and care in it.

he leans in before kaveh puts distance between them again, pressing another kiss to his lips in turn. an exchange, just as warm, just as affectionate.]

[ kaveh's eyes lid. the red-rim of his eyes curves in unadulterated affection. he drinks in the kiss. this is netzach; this is love-made-form. ]

Yes. Like that.

You can do that any time you want, man.

[no way netzach's ever going to turn him down. not as long as kaveh smiles at him like that, reminds him just why he loves him.]

[ kaveh smiles. ]

The same goes for you. [ his fingers tweak another lock of netzach's hair. and then, finally, he leans back for his drink. ] I do mean it, Netzach. Come speak to me of things. I may not always be able to help, but I'd like to be there regardless, and know of what transpires.

I will. I actually wanted to ask you...

[his smile fades, slightly, as he considers the new topic.]

I did medical research in my first life. Human experimentation and all. I just-- I don't remember a lot of the details anymore. I can't do anything on my own. But Midnight...

[...kaveh doesn't need him to finish the sentence, he thinks.]

[ kaveh looks. netzach never needed to finish that sentence after all. ]

... I was thinking much the same. We had our own incurable illness back in Sumeru; it was called Eleazar. I never encountered it myself, but one of my good friends here had to manage its symptoms for another dear friend of mine, a little girl.

It's not quite the same, but researching into it, understanding the shape of Midnight's illness better - that's something I want as well. You know, though, that we don't have the equipment for it.

He told me more about it, but we still can't...

[...he picks up one of the bottles. no more cocktails.]

We've been finding more. Kaveh, what if we do end up with the equipment?

[ kaveh's eyes narrow. ]

Then we need to determine our parameters. If we are looking to mitigate his symptoms; if we are looking for the cure. But Netzach, as a researcher, you know this deep down. For this to work for Midnight, he will have to agree to be a subject of observation. Biologists and epidemiologists trained to perform invasive tests on his blood and samples, and on him.

And for there to be the best chances possible, the sample size needs to be larger. Ideally, more than one person with Oripathy to speed up the testing, to cover more ground.

He won't agree to it. Said he'd make sure he died before he let me get too close, if he was bleeding enough for it to be a problem.

[he knows, though. of course he knows. it just doesn't stop him from feeling like he's got to do something.]

[ kaveh remembers it, how oripathy felt. how the architect of that story had begged, near the end.

he closes his eyes. kaveh tips his head back, and downs the rest of his drink. it burns his throat; it is not enough. ]

... the nerve of that man. The absolute nerve of him - he's only saying so to protect you, Netzach. He doesn't want you to have what he has. That's why- [ kaveh cuts himself off. he reaches for another bottle. ] it links to what we were saying earlier. He doesn't think Yesod will love another person the way he loves you, yes, but that's not all he means. He means that he can love everyone as much as he needs to, but making room for him even in a third-person sort of capacity is an imposition that nobody has to make, and that makes me angry to think of it.

It's that Midnight exceptionalism that he believes in so strongly. He won't agree to it because he has already decided that he will suffer, and that is alright. It isn't.

I know he's protecting me. He-- told me more about what things are like at home, when I asked about the Oripathy. How the world is.

[he's quiet for a few seconds, taking another pull from the bottle.]

Kaveh, I don't think we can argue with him that much about what he's decided. He is going to suffer. He knows he's gonna die and how it's gonna happen. That it's probably not gonna be curable before it kills him. I don't always like how that manifests, but I get where it's coming from. He's surviving.

[ kaveh suddenly realises he is too sober for this conversation. the bottle empties itself into his cup. he downs it. then, he says: ]

There is a difference between knowing you will suffer, and knowing that you deserve to suffer. That anything beyond living that suffering is beyond your reach and should be.

Midnight is the latter, Netzach. He is surviving, but what I want for him is to live.

[ like a scintillating starbust in motion, not a body already dead to frost. ]

...he's been letting himself have some things, anyway. It's a start, right?

[that he isn't keeping more distance between himself and everyone else, even though he still keeps a degree of it. even though he wouldn't have told netzach more about oripathy had the museum not forced it. even without that-]

He gave me a key to his apartment. I already had a toothbrush there last month.

[he's been allowed into his life more, bit by bit. netzach just hopes that continues.]

Edited 2023-12-29 13:56 (UTC)

[ kaveh can imagine it. a single key, warm to the touch in the palm of a hand. two toothbrushes in an apartment.

... kaveh smiles. of course he does. it is tired, and weary, but it is a smile. ]

See? Like I said, a miracle. That's you.

He still had to decide on it.

[making those offers-- that was up to midnight. it feels to him like at least some kind of proof.]

...but it really does feel like a miracle, sometimes.

[both to be loved and to be in love.]

[ kaveh looks at netzach. he hadn't been wrong, he decides.

he lifts a single finger. kaveh taps it once, in front of netzach, a single, pried-picked-chewed fingertip against the wood of the bar. ]

That's my meaning. For the research to begin, for there to be something to research, the first step is to convince Midnight that it's worthwhile for him to live, rather than survive. That amelioration is worthwhile. That is he allowed it. That he is not an exception to a life worth living, no matter how much briefer it is than it ought to be.

If that doesn't happen, none of it will help him the way we want it to, Netzach.

...so in the end, it's for the best that we can't even do it now, 'cause we're gonna have to do a lot of work before we could even start trying.

Nevermind Midnight letting us, would Alhaitham and Yesod let us go all in on experimenting anyway?

[he kind of feels like the answer is no. at least for yesod.]

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