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USERNAME: unsafety netzach library of ruina TEXT • AUDIO • VIDEO • ACTION • OVERFLOW

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[fussiest]

[ kaveh remembers. johanna had been stunning. he had wondered, but he had been correct in his assessment after all - that this had been something between netzach, yesod and midnight to handle.

still: ]

Did he explain why he thought it was necessary for you and Yesod to have a night alone together?

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He said Yesod doesn't have as much room in his heart for others. That he wanted him to have his own lovely dreams with me. Things he could keep to himself.

So I told him I still want experiences like that with both of them, and he said I'd need to tell him those kinds of things, and be prepared for him to say no.

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And what did Yesod say about Midnight's assessment of him?

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M'not sure. I saw them talking, but I didn't really ask...

[that was between the two of them.]

Yesod's always trying to make sure I'm happy, though. Midnight asked me to be his date for New Year's instead, so I already let Yesod know about that. He still wants to come, even if we're not technically going 'together'.

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[ kaveh smiles. ]

Then it seems to me from Yesod's actions alone that he has plenty of room in his heart for others. Midnight is wrong, Netzach, as he often is about this sort of thing. He assumes his own heart is the only one that has that capacity, when many others can as well.

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Sort of. I think what Midnight meant was more...

[his drink's already half gone, by now.]

Yesod isn't the kind of person who could look at someone else the same way he looks at me. I don't think it's that he doesn't love other people-- he does. But he wouldn't go on a date with anyone else.

...he swears he's okay with this, and I told him if he's ever unhappy sharing, I'd choose him. I could still be happy just with him, too. But I guess it's hard not to wonder if it's really okay to get all of his attention and not be giving him all of mine.

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I understand that. Alhaitham is much the same way.

[ kaveh looks. he considers this. ] ... when I asked Alhaitham if I could share my affections, he asked me this question: what was it that I wanted to do, and what was it that was only between he and I? From there, my answer became clear. I verbalised what would only be his. And from that foundation, he could build on how he wished for it to go, this shared path of ours.

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-when you asked him what?

[netzach blinks up at him, there, distracted from the rest.]

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To share my affections. [ kaveh pulls the long flute of the drink to him again. ] I wasn't going to simply stop everything I was doing up until that point.

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Huh. And he was okay with it-?

[a contemplative sip.]

Nothing against him, I like him, he just doesn't seem like the sharing type.

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[ kaveh's eyebrows disappear into the blond of his harline. ] You like him.

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Yeah...? Why would I not?

[why is kaveh so surprised, alhaitham is fine?]

He's smart, he's interesting to talk to, and he doesn't make anything weird. Ran into him at the new art exhibits, this month.

[which-- well, he assumes kaveh knows what went on within the personal exhibits. that it must have involved a degree of sharing.]

[fussiest]

[ kaveh's hands haven't quite left the flute of his glass. he can't seem to find words, actually. this isn't unusual, given that he is no haravatat scholar and the twenty languages they beat into your head for just the slimmest chance of graduating on time, but it's rare, kaveh thinks, that he is so overwhelmed that he isn't even sure where to start.

well, perhaps, kaveh thinks, he can start here, as a helpless smile finds its way across his expression and paints itself there, the assertion of an existence beyond what kaveh is able to express - elation, confusion, joy, bemusement, but above all else, gratitude. ]

Alhaitham is an acquired taste. That's the best way I can describe him. Did I ever tell you about how they called him the Lunatic of the Akademiya? There are Herbads who cross the street to avoid walking next to him, and that had gotten extremely amusing ever since he overthrew the government that one time. [ kaveh looks to netzach. suddenly, he is overwhelmed - not only with gratitude, but affection. ] Alhaitham is difficult to like, and very rarely do people find him palatable. Really, though, most people don't give him a chance, and he rarely gives people a chance as well to change that impression.

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[it's strange, to see someone like kaveh struck silent... but netzach can't help returning that smile, warm over the rim of his glass. it's nice to hear kaveh talk so fondly about him.]

The other Sephirot and I have all been pretty difficult too. Guess I'm pretty used to it by now, right?

Maybe he's opening up a little more, if he doesn't usually give people chances.

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Or perhaps it's because it's you, Netzach. [ kaveh says, with a smile. ] You're hardly difficult. I can hardly think of anyone gentler, kinder and more considerate.

But don't be too considerate, hm? If Alhaitham says something unforgivably rude to you, let me know, and I'll show him the what's what.

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Because it's me...? Nah.

[he's not that special. not enough for someone difficult to suddenly just Not be. he thinks it's just that he's used to it.]

Besides, I can handle it myself if he crosses a line.

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Yes, but there's a delineation between need and want. You can handle it just fine, but I'd like to. He'd deserve what I have coming to him.

[ kaveh looks with care. ] Weren't we just speaking of this, however? Wasn't it you who said that it's harder to convince yourself than other people, because you can believe everyone deserves something, but have a hard time thinking it means you, too. I think you can see others rather clearly, but the view you have of yourself is distorted.

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Yeah, but I mean... there's no reason for it to have been different because of me. To treat me any differently than anybody else, if that's what he's like.

[that's just factual, isn't it?]

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No, he wouldn't treat you differently. Alhaitham, to begin with, follows his own definition of 'fair'. He only ever treats people in one way, and there lies the problem.

But it wasn't a problem with you, because the way you reacted was you. Which means the conversation was likely smoother, or he found it comfortable, or, knowing him, he found it worthwhile. He doesn't always, with other people. You are familiar with epigenetics, correct? It's a little like that - there is something in you that is unchanging, but it manifests only when the environment is right. You were the right environment because it's you.

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I was the right environment...

[hm. he thinks about that as he finishes drink number two; there's a faint flush to him, by now, but only faint. two drinks is barely hitting tipsy.]

...I guess I could agree with that. That it wasn't inherently anything special, but that it ended up meshing in just the right kind of way.

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I'll get you to accept the special bit at some point. But for now - yes, that's the understanding behind it. You were the right person. That's a rare thing.

[ kaveh considers this for a moment. he takes another sip of his drink. ] But back to the matter at hand. Alhaitham isn't the sharing type, it's true, but I found it important to have it be done. He is the type of man who needs something of his own. Perhaps Yesod is too. That way, he doesn't have to wonder, what he has of you, and you don't have to worry about him wondering either.

The wondering is what taxes the heart, I think. The not knowing.

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It is. I trust him to talk to me, but I know he wants me to be happy, so... I think my biggest worry is he'll stop being okay with it and think he can't say so. That it'd take too much away from me.

[a little sigh, slouching onto the countertop.]

I'll ask him what I could give him that'd be just his.

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[ kaveh reaches with a hand. gently, he slips a loose lock of netzach's hair behind his ear. ]

Don't overthink it. You create for him the space for him to tell you these things, and you let him decide. If he does not say anything, then trust that it means he is happy. That is a form of trust, too, or so I've learned.

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I do trust him. We've been through more than enough for that.

[it's just--

this is all new ground, for someone like him. he's been so far removed from having a normal life, normal relationships, that he's unfamiliar with things he supposes others probably just know.

his head tilts into the touch as kaveh brushes that lock of hair into place.]

...when you said you wanted to continue what you were doing-- what did you mean?

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[ netzach tilts into the touch. he is a flower stem lilting towards the direction of a faraway sun. kaveh smiles. ]

The usual. Spending time with those that I've to care for. Showing them that love. [ and meeting them where they are at, kaveh thinks. he leans in and gives two kisses to netzach, one on the crown of his head, and one as a gentle brush against his lips. he imbues into the gesture all of his affection, all of his love. ] Like so.