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USERNAME: unsafety netzach library of ruina TEXT • AUDIO • VIDEO • ACTION • OVERFLOW

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[fussiest]

[ our lowest, netzach says. kaveh thinks of a tree. he thinks of green. ]

I've always thought that strength is when you have crossed the brink, but have the courage and tenacity to bring yourself back.

[abstractart]

Maybe. None of us really did, though... we needed to be pulled out of it.

[his gaze drops to the drink in his hands, before he takes another long sip.]

We still carried on after, though, so maybe being able to change from it still counts.

[fussiest]

Why would being pulled out of it detract from the courage? [ says kaveh, as he takes another draught of his drink. he looks to the glass.

courage, daan had said to kaveh. ] Accepting help when you are at the lowest point in your life is one of the hardest things to do, I think.

[abstractart]

...yeah. Sounds right to me. When I was at that point, I just wanted to be left alone, you know? I didn't want the help.

[coming around to accepting it...

it was rough.]

[fussiest]

Because help has always felt like something one must deserve. [ says kaveh into his cup. that old melancholy sways. kaveh remembers it, what it had been like, to look at a hand extended to him and feel shame.

he looks to netzach. ] Though everyone deserves it. I've always believed that. Convincing another has always been the difficult part. [ ... ] The three of us are similar in that regard, aren't we.

[abstractart]

Mm. We might be. It's harder to convince yourself than other people, too... you can believe everyone deserves something, but have a hard time thinking it means you, too.

[he finishes off his first drink, reaches for the bottle on the bar to begin making himself another. he's been learning; mixing a drink or two is something he can do, now, rather than going for straight liquor.]

[fussiest]

Oh, you've the right of it. [ says kaveh, and sighs. his head slips onto his arm as he observes the way netzach picks up the next set of bottles. ] Now, you ought to go tell Midnight that. I've never met someone so accurate with his word definitions and so poor at applying them.

No, that's a misnomer. I know Alhaitham. But Alhaitham is at least sometimes malicious about it and he knows it; Midnight is only ever malicious about it to himself, which I find less forgivable.

[abstractart]

...yeah. But you'd have to get him to admit to it first, and that's probably the harder part...

[he exhales a sigh as he finishes off a pair of drinks, picking up his own and taking another long sip.]

[fussiest]

[ kaveh slips his fingers along the flute of the glass. he takes a draught. ]

It is. He's too clever by half, and that's the problem of it. This is lovely, Netzach. Daan's lessons?

[abstractart]

Mhm. I've been taking 'em with Midnight. I just wanted to learn, at first, but now that the host club's running I want to be able to take over the bar for a little bit if I need to.

[read: when he thinks midnight needs to sit down for half an hour at least.]

[fussiest]

Oh, I'm glad for that. Especially with that New Year's party that Midnight is planning; I suspect he'll need the break more than he'll admit.

He hasn't frustrated you too much, has he?

[abstractart]

Frustrated me...? Nah, not really. We've been clearing things up when they happen-- I kinda figured I'd go to yours and Ghost's thing with him and Yesod, but he went with somebody else to let Yesod have a night with me. He just didn't tell us that.

[another drink, and:]

But I didn't tell him I wanted to go with both of them before, either.

[fussiest]

[ kaveh remembers. johanna had been stunning. he had wondered, but he had been correct in his assessment after all - that this had been something between netzach, yesod and midnight to handle.

still: ]

Did he explain why he thought it was necessary for you and Yesod to have a night alone together?

[abstractart]

He said Yesod doesn't have as much room in his heart for others. That he wanted him to have his own lovely dreams with me. Things he could keep to himself.

So I told him I still want experiences like that with both of them, and he said I'd need to tell him those kinds of things, and be prepared for him to say no.

[fussiest]

And what did Yesod say about Midnight's assessment of him?

[abstractart]

M'not sure. I saw them talking, but I didn't really ask...

[that was between the two of them.]

Yesod's always trying to make sure I'm happy, though. Midnight asked me to be his date for New Year's instead, so I already let Yesod know about that. He still wants to come, even if we're not technically going 'together'.

[fussiest]

[ kaveh smiles. ]

Then it seems to me from Yesod's actions alone that he has plenty of room in his heart for others. Midnight is wrong, Netzach, as he often is about this sort of thing. He assumes his own heart is the only one that has that capacity, when many others can as well.

[abstractart]

Sort of. I think what Midnight meant was more...

[his drink's already half gone, by now.]

Yesod isn't the kind of person who could look at someone else the same way he looks at me. I don't think it's that he doesn't love other people-- he does. But he wouldn't go on a date with anyone else.

...he swears he's okay with this, and I told him if he's ever unhappy sharing, I'd choose him. I could still be happy just with him, too. But I guess it's hard not to wonder if it's really okay to get all of his attention and not be giving him all of mine.

[fussiest]

I understand that. Alhaitham is much the same way.

[ kaveh looks. he considers this. ] ... when I asked Alhaitham if I could share my affections, he asked me this question: what was it that I wanted to do, and what was it that was only between he and I? From there, my answer became clear. I verbalised what would only be his. And from that foundation, he could build on how he wished for it to go, this shared path of ours.

[abstractart]

-when you asked him what?

[netzach blinks up at him, there, distracted from the rest.]

[fussiest]

To share my affections. [ kaveh pulls the long flute of the drink to him again. ] I wasn't going to simply stop everything I was doing up until that point.

[abstractart]

Huh. And he was okay with it-?

[a contemplative sip.]

Nothing against him, I like him, he just doesn't seem like the sharing type.

[fussiest]

[ kaveh's eyebrows disappear into the blond of his harline. ] You like him.

[abstractart]

Yeah...? Why would I not?

[why is kaveh so surprised, alhaitham is fine?]

He's smart, he's interesting to talk to, and he doesn't make anything weird. Ran into him at the new art exhibits, this month.

[which-- well, he assumes kaveh knows what went on within the personal exhibits. that it must have involved a degree of sharing.]

[fussiest]

[ kaveh's hands haven't quite left the flute of his glass. he can't seem to find words, actually. this isn't unusual, given that he is no haravatat scholar and the twenty languages they beat into your head for just the slimmest chance of graduating on time, but it's rare, kaveh thinks, that he is so overwhelmed that he isn't even sure where to start.

well, perhaps, kaveh thinks, he can start here, as a helpless smile finds its way across his expression and paints itself there, the assertion of an existence beyond what kaveh is able to express - elation, confusion, joy, bemusement, but above all else, gratitude. ]

Alhaitham is an acquired taste. That's the best way I can describe him. Did I ever tell you about how they called him the Lunatic of the Akademiya? There are Herbads who cross the street to avoid walking next to him, and that had gotten extremely amusing ever since he overthrew the government that one time. [ kaveh looks to netzach. suddenly, he is overwhelmed - not only with gratitude, but affection. ] Alhaitham is difficult to like, and very rarely do people find him palatable. Really, though, most people don't give him a chance, and he rarely gives people a chance as well to change that impression.