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USERNAME: unsafety netzach library of ruina TEXT • AUDIO • VIDEO • ACTION • OVERFLOW

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[fussiest]

[ ping! pin drop!

it has been some time since kaveh has been to this particular bar. it's not a comforting thing to know that very little has changed, because this city is a city that rejects change. kaveh knows the bottles well. midnight had served a few of them that night, their heads bent and poured over a letter and a single shard of a broken diadem, that first initial outrage of a secret dragged from its mooring, and then the sombre company of two men taking apart their solitude. kaveh thinks - there are people here that he's gotten to know too quickly, with the ferocity of a burning flame carving its way through every possible boundary. it's easy to blame this city. but kaveh has always thought this too: that there is very little to regret.

netzach is not a regret. today, kaveh has on a sweater. there is a pile of blankets folded neatly on the set to his left. to his right, he pats the empty leather, looking up with a smile. kaveh brightens. of course he does. ]

There's you.

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Hey, Kaveh.

[netzach gives him a lazy wave, taking a seat as he looks the place over. even he hasn't been to every bar; this one is new to him, he thinks, or maybe he wasn't paying attention if he wandered in to swipe a bottle or three.

the sweater is cute on kaveh, though. his expression softens as he looks him over in turn.]

Just needed to get out a bit?

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That, and I thought both of us needed this. [ kaveh pulls two bottles from where he'd left them on the counter. he reaches for the ice-bucket. daan's recipes were simple, but they're easy to follow, and it means that the drinks tonight won't be terribly boring. another thing to be thankful for. ] ... how have you been?

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Mm... fine, I guess. At least I had a little experience from when Roland disappeared without being really gone, but knowing it's for real this time is still...

[roland was still his roommate. he was supposed to live in the new space with them. he just got back, only to vanish once again, and then on top of that, gebura...]

It's harder when it's Geb too.

[it's hard not to think about that potential future.]

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[ it's all about comparison and scale, kaveh thinks. for anyone to walk out of a life is normal; for someone you cared for, and had seen through thousands of years with - those things mattered. to see them walk out of your life and into the end of theirs - kaveh can only imagine.

his heart aches. he plucks ice from the ice box, sets the tongs aside, and uncorks a bottle. netzach gets the first drink. ]

I'd only met Gebura once. She was kind. She's a protector, isn't she.

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She is. She always has been, for us-- for all that she denies being a kind person, we could lean on her, you know? We knew if Gebura was taking care of something, we could rely on her for it.

[the first drink is a long one, the burn in his throat warm and welcoming. he needed this.]

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She was your rock, then. For all of you.

[ kaveh pours himself one. the scent of something pungent and sharp, sickly sweet and the dredges of something that must've once tasted like drinks. he sip from the cup, not wanting to end the night too soon. ] Did she ever despair?

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We all did. That was a key part of the experiment in the facility-- pushing us to it. There's not one of us who hasn't broken down and lost it, at some point, so we've all been at our lowest already.

...she doesn't talk much about that kind of thing otherwise, though, so I don't know if she's despaired over much since.

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[ our lowest, netzach says. kaveh thinks of a tree. he thinks of green. ]

I've always thought that strength is when you have crossed the brink, but have the courage and tenacity to bring yourself back.

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Maybe. None of us really did, though... we needed to be pulled out of it.

[his gaze drops to the drink in his hands, before he takes another long sip.]

We still carried on after, though, so maybe being able to change from it still counts.

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Why would being pulled out of it detract from the courage? [ says kaveh, as he takes another draught of his drink. he looks to the glass.

courage, daan had said to kaveh. ] Accepting help when you are at the lowest point in your life is one of the hardest things to do, I think.

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...yeah. Sounds right to me. When I was at that point, I just wanted to be left alone, you know? I didn't want the help.

[coming around to accepting it...

it was rough.]

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Because help has always felt like something one must deserve. [ says kaveh into his cup. that old melancholy sways. kaveh remembers it, what it had been like, to look at a hand extended to him and feel shame.

he looks to netzach. ] Though everyone deserves it. I've always believed that. Convincing another has always been the difficult part. [ ... ] The three of us are similar in that regard, aren't we.

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Mm. We might be. It's harder to convince yourself than other people, too... you can believe everyone deserves something, but have a hard time thinking it means you, too.

[he finishes off his first drink, reaches for the bottle on the bar to begin making himself another. he's been learning; mixing a drink or two is something he can do, now, rather than going for straight liquor.]

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Oh, you've the right of it. [ says kaveh, and sighs. his head slips onto his arm as he observes the way netzach picks up the next set of bottles. ] Now, you ought to go tell Midnight that. I've never met someone so accurate with his word definitions and so poor at applying them.

No, that's a misnomer. I know Alhaitham. But Alhaitham is at least sometimes malicious about it and he knows it; Midnight is only ever malicious about it to himself, which I find less forgivable.

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...yeah. But you'd have to get him to admit to it first, and that's probably the harder part...

[he exhales a sigh as he finishes off a pair of drinks, picking up his own and taking another long sip.]

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[ kaveh slips his fingers along the flute of the glass. he takes a draught. ]

It is. He's too clever by half, and that's the problem of it. This is lovely, Netzach. Daan's lessons?

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Mhm. I've been taking 'em with Midnight. I just wanted to learn, at first, but now that the host club's running I want to be able to take over the bar for a little bit if I need to.

[read: when he thinks midnight needs to sit down for half an hour at least.]

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Oh, I'm glad for that. Especially with that New Year's party that Midnight is planning; I suspect he'll need the break more than he'll admit.

He hasn't frustrated you too much, has he?

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Frustrated me...? Nah, not really. We've been clearing things up when they happen-- I kinda figured I'd go to yours and Ghost's thing with him and Yesod, but he went with somebody else to let Yesod have a night with me. He just didn't tell us that.

[another drink, and:]

But I didn't tell him I wanted to go with both of them before, either.

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[ kaveh remembers. johanna had been stunning. he had wondered, but he had been correct in his assessment after all - that this had been something between netzach, yesod and midnight to handle.

still: ]

Did he explain why he thought it was necessary for you and Yesod to have a night alone together?

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He said Yesod doesn't have as much room in his heart for others. That he wanted him to have his own lovely dreams with me. Things he could keep to himself.

So I told him I still want experiences like that with both of them, and he said I'd need to tell him those kinds of things, and be prepared for him to say no.

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And what did Yesod say about Midnight's assessment of him?

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M'not sure. I saw them talking, but I didn't really ask...

[that was between the two of them.]

Yesod's always trying to make sure I'm happy, though. Midnight asked me to be his date for New Year's instead, so I already let Yesod know about that. He still wants to come, even if we're not technically going 'together'.

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[ kaveh smiles. ]

Then it seems to me from Yesod's actions alone that he has plenty of room in his heart for others. Midnight is wrong, Netzach, as he often is about this sort of thing. He assumes his own heart is the only one that has that capacity, when many others can as well.